Dissapointment

Dissapointment 9-3-15

I don’t like my job. It isn’t that it’s a bad job necessarily, but I’ve just been doing it too long and rather than getting new responsibilities and more influence in the company my position has slid backwards due to the work I once did being taken over by Corporate. It all makes sense on paper, but in the end I have a shrinking job and everything I’ve tried (not that I’ve tried everything) has fallen on deaf ears. Recently the opportunity to move to a different division within the company into a position that carried more responsibility, and was a logical stepping stone for my career path. From the onset it seemed almost as if the position was developed with me in mind. I applied for the job and was chosen for an interview. I was one of six candidates. One candidate was a co-worker who was under qualified for the position and was eliminated pretty quickly. Two others were from outside the company. The hiring manager didn’t seem very interested in them. They didn’t have a good handle on what Bosch was and weren’t up to his expectations in terms of marketing skills. The final two were from Germany. I have no idea how qualified they were, but During my interview the hiring manager made it pretty clear that he wasn’t thrilled about the potential of hiring outside of the country for a 2 year assignment. He seemed to understand that it would take quite a while to get up to speed and then shortly after would have to leave.

My interview went really well, We seemed to have good chemistry, and he seemed to think I was qualified enough and yet had some room to grow into the position which according to him was a good thing. Maybe some of my answers in the interview could have been better, but what interview have you ever been in where you hit every question perfectly? Anyway, It seemed as though this was likely to happen. Carol and I were pretty excited about the thought of a better position, working for a better crew, and moving to a nicer area. Our planets were all lining up for once. I was told in the interview that it would be a couple of weeks before I heard anything. After two weeks I wrote to the HR Manager to ask what was up. I was told that travel schedules had delayed the process. Two more weeks went by and Carol and I were getting anxious. I wrote again and this time I was told that I did not get the job and that it went to another internal candidate.

I have been fired once and laid off twice. This felt a lot like that. I have been flushed out of a few other jobs I had interviewed for, but it always felt like it made some sense, and I would move on pretty quickly. This didn’t feel like that at all. I felt like I had been fired for something I didn’t do. I was sad, upset and felt wronged. I felt and still feel like the German candidates were pushed on the hiring manager by the GM of the division, or by a higher up in Germany. This didn’t feel right to me at all. My feelings since then have swayed quite a bit. I’m not dwelling on it, but it comes around pretty regularly. When it does I feel pretty depressed. I am having a hard time actually working at my job and feel like just saying fuck it and walking out. If Carol were working and/or Archer wasn’t here I might. The whole thing just feels so helpless. I mean there isn’t anything I could have done better, or anything I can do at this point. Someone else has my job, and at some point I’m going to have to play nice with them and I hate it.

Now I’m not happy and I have to get back into the job hunt. I let it go a bit when I thought the job was a sure thing. The truth is I have a hard time believing that I’m good enough for many of the jobs out there that would get me to where I want to be. It’s so dumb though because I have years of experience, a lot of common sense, good intuition, and a master’s degree. I’m very qualified. I think my hold up is that I’m not as tech savvy as I should be. The other part of it is I still suffer from being who I am, which is to say, a person who wasn’t told he was awesome very often. That really sucks the life out of you after a while. I need to get over what people did to me when I was younger.

Degree of Change - New blog direction

Degree of Change

Degree of change is a new direction for the blog formerly knows as the ADHD Experience. The new direction will be a deeper probe into why i am the person I am and how I can go from this person to something better. I think this will be a more therapeutic use of my time and heck, it might even be interesting. Stay tuned, more will come.

Distracted

ADHD vs Narcolepsy/hypersomnia

So, I have both ADHD and hypersomnia. I've been treating the hypersomnia for a while now, and not treating the ADHD. I don't do well with the drugs used to treat ADHD. I am taking 150mg of NuVigil for the hypersomnia, and it works well and more importantly works well with my system. I'm much more present during the day on NuVigil, but life isn't perfect. I have found that I am getting overly focused on some things, but still go about things in a clusterfucked sort of way.

Its like knowing you want to get from point A to point B and being so focused on point B you block out almost everything else to the point of being detrimental to your life and relationships. I also find that even though I've always been a messy person, I am more messy than ever. I think it's still better than where I was before, but still not perfect.

Changing course

So, I had an appointment with a neurologist a while back and we are looking at a new possible diagnosis, or co-morbid diagnosis. The neurologist seems to think that a large part of my problems may be narcoleptic in nature with some side helpings of a few other possible add on issues. It was an interesting appointment. As we went through the symptoms things seemed to be pretty dead on.

My next step will be to have a series of tests including a sleep study. These are pretty damn expensive so I'm waiting for my new benefit year to begin testing. I should know more by the end of April.

Who knows, I may have to change the name of my blog?

Checking in

So, it's been a while since I put up a post. I have decided for the time being not to seek medical attention for my ADHD. Not because I don't want a cure, but because I lost faith in my doctor's ability to treat me.

We had tried several medications none of which worked for me. I had bad reactions to all of the stimulants and the nonstimulant meds just didn't work at all.

It got to the point where he was suggesting I try this or that, but only because he didn't know what to do, he had little faith that anything was going to work for me. The last straw was he wanted to try some really expensive meds and send me for a sleep evaluation. The cost of the evaluation was well into the thousands, and it seemed to me it would be unlikely to turn anything up anyway.

So, since the early spring I haven't been on drugs. I manage things better now than I did before I knew about my condition. If I have a bad day I take a caffeine pill, or drink a coke. It seems to work out most of the time, and is gentle on my system.

Update April

I've been on Concerta for a while now. I was on 3 18mg pills per day, but it was a bit too much for me. I felt a bit too hyper for my own comfort. I am now taking 2 per day and I feel pretty good except if I have a large amount of sweets or caffeine in which case I get really hyper and it become a negative rather than positive for me.

If I watch my diet, I feel pretty good with my use of the product. I have been better about keeping myself going on projects and I can see that I am a better employee. I have also noticed I don't self medicate with caffeine or sugar products. I may have even lost a pound or two.

I am going to continue with the product, but I am sickened by the cost (about $500 per month). I have high deductible insurance so it hurts until I hit my deductible.

Have a great day.

More news

So, I've been taking Concerta for a month now. 18mg x 2 for about a month. I like it well enough. I was getting decent results, but felt a bit hyper at times. Talked to the doc and he decided to up the dose to 18mg x 3 per day to see if it helps. Today is the first day of the higher dose and I felt a bit jumpy for my tastes. On the plus side, I've been getting a lot of work done.

I got my original prescription with a coupon that gave me 42 pills for free. This latest scrip I had to run through insurance. I asked the pharmacist how much it was without insurance and it was over $500 for 120 pills. I don't know how people afford this stuff at $500 per month! It's not like this is cancer medication!

Another side bar, I have to go get an EKG and Lipid test because sudden cardiac death is a potential side effect for this drug. Oh great, now my heart is going to explode.

Apparently I am on the borderline as far as my age is concerned as to if I needed to get the EKG or not. I'm not terribly concerned, I have a great heart with the exception of a slightly irregular beat from time to time.

Up Next

Went to the Dr. on Thursday and got a new drug to try out. I'm on Concerta now. I got a free trial coupon from my doc. It's a slow release rittalin variant. I am hopeful as I had good results with rittalin before. I just started taking it today, and it was a pretty good day, although I just sat around the house. It seemed to take a while longer to kick in, but kept working until later in the evening. I can take up to 4 a day and thing I will likely end up taking a couple.

I'll keep you posted

I quit

I stopped taking Stratterra. We just didn't get along. I don't know, maybe it will help other people, it seems to be a strong drug. Strong enough to mess me up three ways from Sunday.

The worst of it was the sleeplessness and along with that, the messed up dreams. Here are a few highlights. Mind you because you don't sleep well, you have a certain level of consciousness in your dreams which I am sure isn't a good thing for your psyche.

I had one dream that if I fell asleep I would die. You know what happens next right? I dies in my dream which is just all sorts of messed up because everyone knows you're not supposed to die in your dreams ever right?? Well as I was plunged into a dark silent abyss of death, I was somewhat conscious of my dream even though I was asleep. I freaked out and tried to wake up, and for, I don't know 30 seconds or so I couldn't wake up! Finally I popped awake to find I had produced enough sweat and adrenalin for a whole basketball team.

The other dream was that I was talking in some sort of broken gibberish, but not just nonsensical noise, almost a language, it kind of made sense, but again in my semi sleep state I consciously knew that the human mind wasn't really capable of coming up with this kind of organized gibberish which mad em think that I was being possessed by demons. Fun stuff.

Oh, and then their was the one when I was driving in a full on apocalyptic snowstorm, trying to get somewhere that was really important, life and death kind of important, and while my car was doing a remarkable job of driving through 3 foot deep snow, the damn thing kept turning off as I was driving meaning I had to fiddle with the key to get it to run again, the whole time frantically trying to get somewhere which strangely enough wound up being Microcenter?!?!?

Anyway, I'm dine with the pills and I see my Dr. today to see what's next.

I should also point out that just because you quit Stratterra doesn't mean it has quit you. Things are better, but I still know it's at work in my brain doing fun things, especially when I'm trying to sleep. I've also noticed I'm rather agitated since quitting.

Straterra Part 2

So, I still haven't had a good night's sleep since starting Straterra about 2 weeks ago. I have been taking some sleep aids I picked up at the grocery store, but they don't seem to do much of anything to make me tired. I have another appointment later this week, and I hope the Doc has something better for me to try.

I am now at the 80mg dosage and for the first half of the day I was an absolute zombie. I take the meds at night to avoid the side effects, but since it has a long half life, it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. I feel disoriented, dizzy, and I think I can feel my brain freaking out a little.

The drug has done nothing to improve my life, and in fact I'd say I'm worse off than I was before I started taking it. I can't concentrate on anything and I find myself nodding off frequently. I should point out that the drug often takes several weeks to show positive signs, but from what I've been able to gather it works best at tempering the more "hyper" issues of which I have, but keep in check pretty well. I need help with the concentrating and attention part of the problem. I think if you were hyper this drug would bring you down. If you were a rampaging elephant this drug would bring you down!

Anyway, I have to go contemplate witting Eli Lilly a nasty letter.

Update-been a while

I went back on Straterra after the holidays and it has not been good to me. Straterra is a non-stimulant medication originally used to treat depression, but it didn't really work for that application and supposedly works for about 75% of ADHD patients. It is a stepped plan in which you take progressively larger doses up to 80 mg, I am on the third step of four and I have to say I am not happy. Apparently it take a while to begin to work (a few weeks) and in the beginning there is a higher likelihood of side effects until you level out so to speak.

I have been enjoying all sorts of fun side effects. It made me tired and spacey. I even had to go home one day. I changed from taking it in the morning to taking it at night as I had heard some people do better with the side effects (you sleep though them). Apparently it also causes insomnia. I haven't had a good night of sleep in 4 days. Last night was ridiculous. I was up most of the night, and had the weirdest dreams.

I'd like to say screw it and go back to taking something else, but I have decided to stick it out at least until my next appointment in a week or two in the hopes the side effects will wear off and maybe the actual beneficial part of the drug will begin to work! Right now, I'm a spaced out tired zombie.

Back on Rittalin

I decided to go back on Ritalin last week because with Christmas coming my wife wasn't happy with the meed change I had after I started taking Strattera. I don't blame the new drug, it was going off the old drug. Straterra takes a while to take effect and you start out at a low dose. I gave up after a week.

I intend to go back to Straterra after Christmas, when I can afford to be a little less jolly.

On to a new med - Strattera

So, after a month on Rittalin, I talked to my Dr. and we decided to give Strattera a try. The reason we switched was that Rittalin didn't really do a very good job of treating my ADHD symptoms. It gave me an energy boost, but it was hard to focus that energy in a positive way. Addreall which I took before had better results in being focused, but came with a host of other side effects that didn't work well for me.

Strattera is supposed to be different in that it doesn't work as a stimulant, it takes a while to work too, so I haven't been able to form an opinion on it yet. The drug is a little unique in that you take an increasing larger amount of the drug for the first month. Each week is a more potent dose until you reach a point at which you remain indefinitely. I am hoping that the non-stimulant will work for me. Apparently some people just don't react well on them and those people do better on this drug. My fingers are crossed.

Ritalin Update

I've noticed that some days Ritalin is my best friend, helps me out a lot, other times it isn't such a good friend. When it's not my friend, it either makes me feel kind like I have a energy drink high, but at the same time kind of sick feeling. Other times I have a hard time concentrating kinda like when I have a head cold without the congestion. I haven't been able to determine when or why it decides to affect me one way or the other. It may have something to do with how much sugar or activity I am experience.

If I get a lot of sugar, I think I get too much energy when combined with the ritalin and I go into a sort of overload.

If I don't have anything going on and I'm on ritalin I get really dull and lethargic.

It's been a few days since I posted. I've been doing pretty well on the Ritalin, but it isn't perfect. I feel as though it makes me a little hyper, and in comparison to the Adderall, it doesn't do as good a job of helping me keep my life on track, but I don't have as many negative side effects with headaches and stomach problems and while I feel hyper I don't feel as stressed out as I did on Adderall. I also noticed my appetite has returned which is both good and bad. I have noticed some pronounced sugar cravings especially when the drug begins to wear off in the early evening. I assume it is my body's response to the decrease in energy to try to compensate with sweets.

I may inquire with my doctor about the possibility of trying another medication when I see him next. I don't see much of a reason to stop trying new things until I know what will work best for me.

Ritalin now

I had an appointment with my Dr. on the 21st and we discussed the side effects I was experiencing from the Adderall, and we decided to give Ritalin a try. I could tell he doesn't like Ritalin as much, but he decided it was worth a try if it made me feel better overall.

I got my 10mg prescription for up to 2 tablets twice a day. I began taking it the next day and I was a little disappointed in that I didn't really feel as though it was working. I didn't feel any different, except maybe a little more mellow. My other side effect didn't seem to be as bad so that was a plus. After a few days I took two pills in the morning to see if that might give me more of an effect and holy cow, I was buzzy all morning. It was not the best feeling. My mind felt like it was tingling and I had tons of useless nervous energy. Take a few redbulls and I think you'll get the idea. Since then I have cut back to one pill at a time.

I have noticed a difference in the way I feel the last few days. I feel a little more hyper than I did the first few days, but not all the time. If I am mellow, I stay mellow, but if I do something I get a bit of an energy rush. Sometimes it is a little too much and I feel the need to quiet myself down. Meditation works if I can get to a quiet place.

Overall I think I like this medication more than the Adderall. I don't have an upset stomach and the headaches are less significant so I'm handling it well.

During my conversation with the Dr. he made it clear that in most cases the medication is a bit of a compromise and that no medication will make me normal all the time. The real end goal is to find something that helps me function better than I did before, not to provide a magic pill. To that end I think it helps.

I had heard stories about people getting super anal on these drugs. I heard a story about a graphics artist that couldn't stop working on graphics until they were perfect when he took the drugs. I haven't seen anything like that. I can stick with things longer, but I still get frustrated and walk away or get to the good enough point and call it done. I suppose it has a lot to do with your original personality coming through. I have never been much of a perfectionist so I don't become more of one on these drugs whereas a person who tends to obsess may then have the ability to follow through on their obsessive behavior when they are on the drugs.

Really, just one follower?

Off subject today, but I'm off my meds today so I'll blame that.

I'm a little disappointed that I only have one follower! I'm sure your a nice guy, and thanks for reading. I don't really get this blog thing, how are you supposed to get more followers? I can't even figure out how I'd search for other blogs of interest! Does someone just have to trip over my blog?

Sorry, I was just a little frustrated there. Whewwww, it's out of my system now. I really write this for myself anyway. I'm trying to write down my experiences because it helps cement them in my mind, and it brings stuff up to the front of my mind that may be rolling around in the rusty corners like a lugnut in the trunk of a 1974 pinto. You hear it, it bugs you a little, but you don't really take the time when you're driving to see what it is until you stop and pop the trunk and take a look around.

More Observations

So, I'm trying to get comfortable with Adderall, and while it works, I don't feel like it's going to be the best possible medication. Perhaps I will be proved wrong.

Adderall does help with energy level and focus, but I also have almost no appetite while I'm on it which means I get no joy out of eating or making meals. My job in the house is chief cook so this has been a problem. I have also experienced a higher instance of indigestion, or heartburn. I have had heartburn from time to time generally when under great stress, or after eating something really really funky, but no more than a couple times a year. Since adderall, I have had heartburn every few days.

Sleeplessness, and dreams have become an issue. I don't get tired as easily, but I can fall asleep. It isn't as restful as it could be. I find myself waking up more often during the night and I am having more vivid dream sequences. These seem more often to be the sort of in control dreams when you're aware that your dreaming and can direct the dream, but weird dream stuff is still going on. I have had a few nights where sleep has been very difficult, but taking the drugs before 1pm seems to help that issue.

I rarely pee during the day now. It usually hits me in the evening when my second dose should be wearing off and then I'm going about once an hour or more for a while. Not really a big deal, but it drives my wife nuts when I pause the movie we're watching so I can go pee again.

Conversely, I am drinking more during the day. I often feel parched and need a drink during the day.

I think I mentioned this in a previous post, getting and maintaining a stiffy has become a little more work. Things still work, but a little more effort seems to be necessary.

All in all, nothing super serious, just a few nitpicks to cause me to think that perhaps another medication may offer me a better solution. I have been enjoying the added focus. In fact as I write this I remembered I forgot my afternoon dose and I have having a hard time getting things done in the office.

2 pills tohttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=3043785899990554405o much

Yesterday I tried two pills in the morning to see if it gave me any sort of improvement. The result was not so good. It made me kind of zombie like. I had a project I was working on in the garage and I found it particularly hard to think ahead or make calculations of any value. I found myself staring into space at one point and realized I had been there for some time with no thought in my mind. It was pretty weird.



I can't say for sure it was the medication. I have been feeling a little off the past few days, kind of like I'm maybe on the verge of coming down with something.

In the afternoon I went back to one pill and felt a bit more normal later in the day but still slightly off.

Oct 2nd

I have officially put my medication to the first real test. I had two days of computer training which would normally be very difficult for me to endure. In the past I would have a hard time listening for any length of time and I would be nearly catatonic by lunchtime.

I was able to keep connected to the class the entire day without any perceivable problems paying attention. This was quite a breakthrough for me. I did have one off experience during the first day. Before the Adderall had a chance to take effect I was pretty sleepy so I grabbed a cup of tea (I hate coffee and didn't have change for a soda. The effect was pretty weird. I had tons of energy and a case of permagrin. I couldn't stop smiling and was really hyped up pretty good. It wasn't all together an unpleasant feeling, but not appropriate to the situation. I get a little of the same feeling but less pronounced when I take my second pill of the day, there must be a little overlap causing a boost of medication. I would take the second pill a little later, but then I run the risk of not being tired at bed-time.

Other observations this week.

My intake of sweets has dropped of quite significantly. I believe that I used to self medicate with sweets when my energy levels fell to a certian point. With the medication I don't have the lows, so there is no need to reach for the bag of candy.

Sex, yep, I'm gonna go there. I've noticed a moderate decline in sexual appatite and a more difficult time performing as I'd like to. Things still work, they just take a little more effort than before.

Forgot pills. One day this week I forgot my pills. I went back to my "normal" state with little difference to report. I did miss the better feelings I had with the pills, but no negetives to report.

Fidgeting. I'm a firgeter, I admit it. Drives my wife nuts. Mostly this is seen with the bouncing leg thing. I had read or been told that this behavior may decline with medication. I haven't seen that to be the case. In fact I might be doing more if anything.

Starting tomorros I am going to change up my routine to see what happens. I am going to go from my one pill twice a day routine to two pills in the morning and one in the afternoon. I want to see if I see any noticable improvement with an extra pill.