Nothing much

Not much to report, I am still waiting for my first appointment in September, seems like a lifetime away.

Once you're away that you have a condition you really start to notice when it is affecting you. I had to give a quarterly report this week at work and preparing for it took forever because I kept getting side-tracked. The report went well, but I think it would have been better if I could have just done it without the distraction. I also realized how terrible my record keeping is!

Incrimental imporvements

Spent some time on the phone calling clinics yesterday and found one with an opening in Late September! Still seems a long ways off, but still better than a stick in the eye.

I spent two days this week in a class on project management. I think it was a test to see if I would go crazy or not. I'm not a project manager and while I pull a few tiny morsels of goodness from the class that might apply to my life, the rest of it was worthless to me. The first day was manageable with copious amounts of caffeine, but by the time the second day came around it was a constant struggle to not fall asleep and track what was going on in class. It got really, really bad. I was head bobbing and hearing words that I was unable to process in any sort of sensible way. It was exhausting and when group work came up I had no idea what we were supposed to do! Thankfully my fellow group members didn't really care, they knew I had no business being in the class and just went about the work to be done without me. I felt a little guilty, but not too much so.

I find a forget a lot of things and I'm trying to decide if I'm forgetting more than I did before or not. It seems like i am, but that could just be that I'm looking for problems too. I worry from time to time that in addition to ADHD something else might be wrong. I don't know what exactly, I'm way too young for Alzheimer's and I don't think I've eaten any mad cows recently.

I wish I was able to just go buy the drugs and do this myself. i so want to begin treatment and enjoy more out of life, but it just seems like it's taking forever.

Arrgh Still Searching

After getting word that the psyciatrist I was interested in wouldn't see me without a diagnosis from her pshchologist $$$$$ I decided to look elsewhere. I went back to the BCBS website to look up an in network doctor. Again, it was a lot of frustration. Offices either aren't taking on new patients, or the wait is 3 monts to be seen, or you need a referal from inside the clinic.

I just want to see the doctor, get on some meds and go about my life damn it.

I set up an appointment for November with a clinic. We'll have to see if I can find something sooner. I'd really like to get in before the end of August.

I had a wonderful ADHD moment today. I left the house with the patio door wide open. Not such a good idea if you want to keep the bad guys out. My wife was none too pleased to come home to a wide open house either.

I also was riding the motorcycle today when I realized that I never remember what gear I'm in and that could also be attributed to ADHD. I don't exactly know when ADHD ends and just plain forgetfullness takes over. Hopefully whatever it is is treatable and soon.

My wife has been pressuring me to get talk therapy, but I just don't see a lot of point in it. I'd just be doing it to make her happy, I honestly don't want to do it or thing there is much future in it.

Vaction is over and another dissapointment

I'm back from vacation. I had a really nice time hiking in the Smoky Mountains with my wife. We camped and took in the sights for about a week.

I had what I'd call a maybe ADHD experience that nearly ruined our trip. We have a credit card tied to the NWA air miles. As you may be aware NWA was bought by Delta and the air miles creidt card is transitioning to AMEX from Visa. The transition took place while on vacation, and even though they sent several notices to us about the change we somehow didn't figure it out and were left 1000 miles from home with no credit card. Thankfully we had enough cash to cover our basic expenses and the trip was not ruined. I'm not sure how much of that was ADHD and how much of it was jus tbeing a moron. I may never know.

I ran into another roadblock with my search for treatment. They Psychiatrist I've been trying to see has rejected by testing as insufficient, meaning if I want to see her I will have to submit to a new round of testing with her psycologist which is an expense I'd rather not pay to tell me something I already know. Why she can't just see me I don't know, according to my previous therapist it's quite obvious to anyone with training that I have it. I think the new lady is just trying to cover her bases, she seems kind of cautious over the phone. Perhaps it is for the best that I won't be seeing her because she may be too cautious about perscribing the right amounts or types of drugs. This was something my previous therapist warned me of.

I am going to have to go back to the BCBS list and find a new person to treat me, Oh how fun that will be.

Later...

Gone for a while

I'm going to be out of touch for a while unless I can figure out how to update with my wife's Ipod Touch. We will be on vacation.

I had hopes I would have been in treatment by now, but alas the wait continues. I wish I wasn't the one who had to push this thing along, but it seems as though the therapist I have chosen is very proactive in calling people. She show have my updated records by now! Maybe I'll call her today.

Later

Last few days

I haven't written in a few days, been kinda busy, and I have ADHD :)

Anyway, no more bad jokes. I've just been waiting. I called my old diagnosing therapist and had her send the rest of my chart info to my new Psychiatrist to hopefully forgo the whole testing issue. I'm hoping to hear something relatively soon.

I continue to see how ADHD affects those around me. Funny how after you understand why things are the way they are you find yourself recognizing the things you've been doing. My wife is doing the same thing and has begun to change the way she handles me knowing what she knows now. I can't say for sure that she's much more patient with my issues, but she has adapted how she responds to get a more positive reaction from me. I think this is a good thing, maybe.

For example, I often drift off in a conversation and when it would be my turn to speak I would either say nothing or grunt an answer. In the past she would get mad and tell me how awful a person I am (exaggerating a little), now if I don't come back with a suitable response I get a "respond" or "It's your turn to talk" out of her which feel a little like I'm being treated like a child, but it's what gets the job done and keeps her from blowing her top, at least it does until she has to do it like 35 times.

I have a vacation coming up and there has been a lot of preparation for it going on. I find it has me pretty well distracted from my job which at the moment is pretty boring run of assignments. I'm kinda struggling and drinking a lot of caffeine compared to my normal state, which is no caffine. I am making progress though and hope to be done with the worste of it today. Which reminds me Lunch is over and it's time to get back to it.

What it's like having ADHD for me

ADHD is a tricky little B1tch, it creeps into every part of your life and causes all sorts of problems. I'm not incapable of having a good life the way things are, but it isn't a complete life. You miss out on lots of things when your ADHD and you will affect the people around you on a daily basis.

I'm not an expert on the topic, I'm a bit like the driver of the car, not the mechanic, I know there are problems with the car, and I know how they affect it, but I can't fix it on my own. I can learn how to live with problems, much like you can with a car. If the car dies when it rains you don't drive it in the rain, sure it's not very convenient, but you can make due with it.

My life is affected in many ways. Here are a few things that jump out at me, some may not even be ADHD, but from what I understand they probably are.

1) When being talked to I am VERY easily distracted by ANYTHING else going on. I loose track of conversations and drift off into my own little world. THis is very frustrating for the people talking to and for myself when I realize I have no idea what my boss just told me he wants me to do because there was a flock of gese in the background which diverted my attentino and I never really got back to listening to him after that.

2) Projects, oh my god! First off I am great at starting projects, but terrible at ever completing any of them. I loose interest and drift on to the next new thing. Some days I go out to work on something in the garage, get started and have to get something from the shed, and I will get distracted by something in the yard so I go to work on that until I see something else and go off on that until I see something else, and oh I forgot about the thing in the basement that I need to work on...all this can happen in the course of a few minutes. (oh the project in the garage is still waiting for me weeks later)

3) Work, I'll start working on a budget for example and after about 10 minutes I will start to zone out and nod off. I'll click on the internet and check some things on Craigslist.org for a minute or 20 then I will go back to workingfor another 10 minutes until I begin to nod off again, repeat this about 20 times a day.

4) Highs and lows, I can be crazy and kid like one minute and a short while later quiet and tired. Turns out that I can get excited about something and act out on it, but unless something feeds the excitement it kind of fizzles out and I crash down.

5) Cleanliness is next to godliness and I'm going to hell. I can clean things, I'm just not very good at it I can do the dishes and completely overlook several things that aren't apparent unless pointed out (Thanks Clara) I also keep my personal spaces in complete dissaray. I can come up with some pretty great ideas for how to organize myself, but have zero follow through once I put it all together and it all goes to hell once again.

6) Out of sight, out of mind. If I put something "away" such as project files at work I will never ever think about them again and they will languish in my file drawers for eternity. Same thing goes for projects left in out of sight areas.

As you can imagine living with someone with ADHD can be a constant struggle and source of frustration especially if you're an organized person.