Thoughts after Diagnosis

I have struggled with myself for my entire life. I have had a real hard time of it in school, personal life and career. Much of the struggle is likely due to my ADHD condition.

In school I had been tested by several different counselors and my mother made some enemies with the school district trying to get me some kind of help and the best they could come up with was learning disabled. Learning disabled even though I tested beyond my grade level in nearly every subject! I know this was before the drug every child programs of the 90's, but this misdiagnosis had serious implications on my life.

Believing I was learning disabled kept me from reaching my full potential. It made me feel as though I was stupid and handicapped. It ruined my self esteem and in turn my social life. Not only did I think there was something wrong with me that lowered my opinion of my worth, other peers knew about it because of the special classes. It was a weakness, and all weaknesses are to be picked on by other children.

I couldn't hang with the kids that were cool or normal even, I was put into the weird kid group. A social outcast stuck with kids I knew were morons and unstable. Most of them have grown up to be drunks, drug users or criminals. These were my peers while going through school because I was told by the system that these were the closest allies in the school. F()cking great way to go through school. They wondered why I hated going every day.

I didn't get the chance to get away from this mold until I went to college for the second time. Both time and distance helped me to put some of the memories of youth behind. I still had a difficult time in social situations and I do to this day. I much prefer intimate settings to groups. But I had lots of time to realize I could do well and to just reflect on my life.

My choice of an art minor was very helpful because I excelled at art, and lets be honest, art students had a higher proportion of kids similar to myself than other disciplines and I was able to show myself as a talented person. I wish I had the time and money to have double majored in art and Marketing.

I discovered that I could be desirable while at college as well. I actually had real girlfriends that liked to be with me. In high school not so much.

I'm getting a little off track, but suffice it to say that if I had gotten treatment at an earlier age I strongly believe that My life would have been a much easier and happier experience. I also believe that I would have been much more successful than I have been although I'm not doing that badly.

Then there's my wife and family. How much sh^t have I put them through because of my condition that really wasn't necessary? I screw things up and forget things all the time causing great frustration to my wife. While each incident isn't exactly the end of the world, they accumulate and she has had to start treating me like a child. She can't trust I'm going to follow through on things. Some times I'm better than others, but in general I'm shit when it comes to remembering things.

Oh, and how about a hobby, something I've always wanted but have never been able to have. I have some stable interests, but when you're ADHD you can't ever focus on it without really putting forth some serious effort. And because your so scattered you have about 100 unfinished projects that will suck away your time.

I Alos wonder how far I could have gotten in my career if I had been able to focus my attentions, I know I do a good job, but I don't keep a neat workplace and I tend to need some guidance to keep on track, and like at home I have about a million things that never quite get finished until they reach a crisis or deadline.

I feel like someone owes me a lot. I feel like people had the opprtunity to help me, but failed and I've been the one suffering and losing out in life. Maybe I should be greatful because my life isn't too bad, that I've learned to live with my difficulties and do well which might give me an edge when I begine treatment and can use my skills to be better than some.

Diagnosis

Once I had a good idea that I should be taking some sort of action I had to figure out what action to take. I had seen counselors as a child through school, but didn't exactly have one on speed dial.

My workplace has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) which will pay for a few sessions with a counselor, among other things such as legal help etc...

I was given a few names and phone numbers by the representative on the phone and made a few calls. I settled on Pathways for no specific reason other than they could get me in relatively soon and had some specialty in ADHD issues.

The Therapist I saw was very nice and respectful. She outlined the events and the order in which things would go. The first session would be a lot of question and answer, the second would be a computer test and the third would be going over results and forming an action plan.

During the first session she asked me a few questions to get to know me better and find out why I thought I was ADHD. After that we moved into a more structured set of questions to determine if and how severely I was affected. I didn't find the questions particularly difficult, but they were enlightening. Through the question and answer process I realized how often I am effected by this condition. It really made me think about how my life has been formed by what I've been going through.

The therapist gave me an identical set of questions to take home for my wife to fill out. I guess sometimes they want you to have several people fill out the questionare to get a more complete picture of where you're at. I being a relatively solitary person and not being interested in making my condition public only did one person. From the cues I was picking up on from the therapist I didn't think there was much possibility I wasn't ADHD.

The second appointment started off with reviewing my wife's survey with my own answers from the previous session. They were remarkably close to each other except for a few questions.

After the review she set up a computer with a test of sorts. I had to watch a white box in the middle of the screen. There was a small black box that would appear on either the top or bottom half of the white box. If it appeared on the top half of the white box I was to click a button. That's it, very simple. The test ran for like 20 or 25 minutes.

At the end of the test she took a look at my scores and told me that she would usually go over the results in the third session, but we had some time and could do it today.

Apparently I didn't do very well. As the test went on my error rate increased, and my response time decreased. This was symptomatic of ADHD, and that along with the two surveys showed that I scored as being very ADHD, I was in the top percentage for ADHD scores on both tests leaving little doubt in her mind that I needed help.

The therapist asked what kind of treatment I was interested in, medication, or some sort of skill building and counseling approach. I could tell by her wording that she really thought medication was the way to go and it was what I was seeking when I went to see her. I had some of these skill building exercises in school and they were worthless to me.

My therapist not being a Psychologist could not prescribe drugs so she gave me a recommendation and wished me luck.

Realization Day

I have always been "absent minded" but neve thought of myself as being ADHD. Oh sure from time to time there would be a joke tossed out, but seriously nobody ever said you should go get tested. I never thought I had ADHD.

One day I had upset Clara, I hadn't been listening and had been forgetting things more than usual and in frustration she said what are you ADHD or something? You should go get tested, something is wrong with you.

Well it stuck with me and I took an online test. If you suspect you're ADHD you've probably take it yourself too. Just Google ADHD test and you'll find it on several sites. I scored a 90 and the comment was that I should seek a mental health professional immediately.

Immediatly? Really, I'm just a little forgetful it can't be right, anyone would score high on this test, I'll take another one, yep, scored an 88...Immediately really me? ADHD?? What the hell. I was stunned, I had Clara take the test, she got a 22. I'm a 90, immediatly, WTF? I'm friggin ADHD?

It would explain a lot I guess. But I'm sure the therapist would come back with something less urgent than immediatly right?