Thoughts after Diagnosis

I have struggled with myself for my entire life. I have had a real hard time of it in school, personal life and career. Much of the struggle is likely due to my ADHD condition.

In school I had been tested by several different counselors and my mother made some enemies with the school district trying to get me some kind of help and the best they could come up with was learning disabled. Learning disabled even though I tested beyond my grade level in nearly every subject! I know this was before the drug every child programs of the 90's, but this misdiagnosis had serious implications on my life.

Believing I was learning disabled kept me from reaching my full potential. It made me feel as though I was stupid and handicapped. It ruined my self esteem and in turn my social life. Not only did I think there was something wrong with me that lowered my opinion of my worth, other peers knew about it because of the special classes. It was a weakness, and all weaknesses are to be picked on by other children.

I couldn't hang with the kids that were cool or normal even, I was put into the weird kid group. A social outcast stuck with kids I knew were morons and unstable. Most of them have grown up to be drunks, drug users or criminals. These were my peers while going through school because I was told by the system that these were the closest allies in the school. F()cking great way to go through school. They wondered why I hated going every day.

I didn't get the chance to get away from this mold until I went to college for the second time. Both time and distance helped me to put some of the memories of youth behind. I still had a difficult time in social situations and I do to this day. I much prefer intimate settings to groups. But I had lots of time to realize I could do well and to just reflect on my life.

My choice of an art minor was very helpful because I excelled at art, and lets be honest, art students had a higher proportion of kids similar to myself than other disciplines and I was able to show myself as a talented person. I wish I had the time and money to have double majored in art and Marketing.

I discovered that I could be desirable while at college as well. I actually had real girlfriends that liked to be with me. In high school not so much.

I'm getting a little off track, but suffice it to say that if I had gotten treatment at an earlier age I strongly believe that My life would have been a much easier and happier experience. I also believe that I would have been much more successful than I have been although I'm not doing that badly.

Then there's my wife and family. How much sh^t have I put them through because of my condition that really wasn't necessary? I screw things up and forget things all the time causing great frustration to my wife. While each incident isn't exactly the end of the world, they accumulate and she has had to start treating me like a child. She can't trust I'm going to follow through on things. Some times I'm better than others, but in general I'm shit when it comes to remembering things.

Oh, and how about a hobby, something I've always wanted but have never been able to have. I have some stable interests, but when you're ADHD you can't ever focus on it without really putting forth some serious effort. And because your so scattered you have about 100 unfinished projects that will suck away your time.

I Alos wonder how far I could have gotten in my career if I had been able to focus my attentions, I know I do a good job, but I don't keep a neat workplace and I tend to need some guidance to keep on track, and like at home I have about a million things that never quite get finished until they reach a crisis or deadline.

I feel like someone owes me a lot. I feel like people had the opprtunity to help me, but failed and I've been the one suffering and losing out in life. Maybe I should be greatful because my life isn't too bad, that I've learned to live with my difficulties and do well which might give me an edge when I begine treatment and can use my skills to be better than some.

Diagnosis

Once I had a good idea that I should be taking some sort of action I had to figure out what action to take. I had seen counselors as a child through school, but didn't exactly have one on speed dial.

My workplace has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) which will pay for a few sessions with a counselor, among other things such as legal help etc...

I was given a few names and phone numbers by the representative on the phone and made a few calls. I settled on Pathways for no specific reason other than they could get me in relatively soon and had some specialty in ADHD issues.

The Therapist I saw was very nice and respectful. She outlined the events and the order in which things would go. The first session would be a lot of question and answer, the second would be a computer test and the third would be going over results and forming an action plan.

During the first session she asked me a few questions to get to know me better and find out why I thought I was ADHD. After that we moved into a more structured set of questions to determine if and how severely I was affected. I didn't find the questions particularly difficult, but they were enlightening. Through the question and answer process I realized how often I am effected by this condition. It really made me think about how my life has been formed by what I've been going through.

The therapist gave me an identical set of questions to take home for my wife to fill out. I guess sometimes they want you to have several people fill out the questionare to get a more complete picture of where you're at. I being a relatively solitary person and not being interested in making my condition public only did one person. From the cues I was picking up on from the therapist I didn't think there was much possibility I wasn't ADHD.

The second appointment started off with reviewing my wife's survey with my own answers from the previous session. They were remarkably close to each other except for a few questions.

After the review she set up a computer with a test of sorts. I had to watch a white box in the middle of the screen. There was a small black box that would appear on either the top or bottom half of the white box. If it appeared on the top half of the white box I was to click a button. That's it, very simple. The test ran for like 20 or 25 minutes.

At the end of the test she took a look at my scores and told me that she would usually go over the results in the third session, but we had some time and could do it today.

Apparently I didn't do very well. As the test went on my error rate increased, and my response time decreased. This was symptomatic of ADHD, and that along with the two surveys showed that I scored as being very ADHD, I was in the top percentage for ADHD scores on both tests leaving little doubt in her mind that I needed help.

The therapist asked what kind of treatment I was interested in, medication, or some sort of skill building and counseling approach. I could tell by her wording that she really thought medication was the way to go and it was what I was seeking when I went to see her. I had some of these skill building exercises in school and they were worthless to me.

My therapist not being a Psychologist could not prescribe drugs so she gave me a recommendation and wished me luck.

Realization Day

I have always been "absent minded" but neve thought of myself as being ADHD. Oh sure from time to time there would be a joke tossed out, but seriously nobody ever said you should go get tested. I never thought I had ADHD.

One day I had upset Clara, I hadn't been listening and had been forgetting things more than usual and in frustration she said what are you ADHD or something? You should go get tested, something is wrong with you.

Well it stuck with me and I took an online test. If you suspect you're ADHD you've probably take it yourself too. Just Google ADHD test and you'll find it on several sites. I scored a 90 and the comment was that I should seek a mental health professional immediately.

Immediatly? Really, I'm just a little forgetful it can't be right, anyone would score high on this test, I'll take another one, yep, scored an 88...Immediately really me? ADHD?? What the hell. I was stunned, I had Clara take the test, she got a 22. I'm a 90, immediatly, WTF? I'm friggin ADHD?

It would explain a lot I guess. But I'm sure the therapist would come back with something less urgent than immediatly right?

Sex, Marriage and Family

Ha, sorry, I'm not going to talk about sex, much.

I'm going to call my wife Clara for simplicity sake.

I met my wife while still in college, I had posted an ad online and she responded. We fell in lvoe quite quickly and were married about two years after we first met. We have been together for 10 years, married for 8.

I think the person (besides myself) that ADHD has affected most is my wife. My ability to pay attention and follow through have been seriously compromised by my ADHD.

Clara is by nature a very organized person and I am on the other end of the spectrum. It has been very hard for her to endure my condition. I am sure at times it must have seemed that I was actually trying to sabotage her efforts to greate an organized home. She has a really hard time living in a state of chaos, which is my normal state.

Clara will ask me to do a few things and I won't get them done because I either forget, or get sidetracked. This disappointments her and makes her feel as though I can't be counted on to follow through on things. To her my "childlike" state has been a drain on her and has driven her to treating me a little like a child at times which she hates and I despise.

I hope that treatment will help me be the person she wants me to be without taking away the parts of me that make me the wonderful guy that I am.

We have not had any children yet and have no plans to have them I can also attribute this to ADHD to some degree. Clara has no interest in the birth process either so that helps, but with a genetic link to ADHD and autism in my famil and hers the odds are stacked against us in terms of having a normal child and the thought of having a high needs kid makes us both feel sick to our stomachs. Beyond the genetics and body issues, I don't feel as though I would be a great parent. The thought of being responsible for a child and my lack of patience give me serious thoughts about how awful my life could be.

What makes this kind of tough is that in other ways I know I'd be an awsome Dad. I'm a fun guy and my kids would have great experiences growing up.

I think it's important to know your limitations and live within them and be happy with what God has given you. I am blessed and if I want to be invloved in the life of a child i have neices and nefews to be with.

Career

I am a marketing professional. I have a degree in Marketing Communications and have worked in the field for the past 10 years.

Marketing I should explain has several different meaning to different people and none is more right than another. I have focused myself on the promotions aspect of marketing. I have done so because it is easiest for me and provides me with the most joy. I do not do analysis or research; I rarely turn in any reports, and I hardly keep a file.

Most of what my job entails is event management, advertising, in house video and photography, and sales tool creation. You will notice that most of what I do has a subjective nature to it and is hard to establish an ROI or benchmark for. I do will because I am allowed to be creative and I am not expected to provide much in the way of hard data. I work for a small division of a large company that needs someone around to fill the gaps that corporate leaves, and I do this well.

It may sound like I'm some kind of slacker, but in reality I do a lot in my job, and more importantly I save the company a bundle of money doing little projects that would otherwise be outsourced to $125 and hour agencies.

My ADHD has had some noticeable affects on my job. My workspace is a mess. It drives my boss nuts to look at it. It drives me nuts to look at it. I keep terrible records and drive the purchasing department nuts.

Recently the ownership of my department went from my boss of 5 years to a new boss, someone who carries much less weight in the company, someone I thought of as almost and equal. I was not considered for the position of Marketing Manager even though I am really the only marketing person in the building. I was given up to the IT department manager who happens to have a marketing degree. I felt very slighted by this turn of events and feel that if I had a more structured lifestyle I would have been considered for the position. I now feel as though there is no way I will ever be promoted beyond my current position/title. I think this is a direct result of my ADHD.

College Part 2

So, after graduating with a two year degree I found out that two year degree's are just about as valuable as well I'd say toilet paper, but under the right circumstances, that has value. My younger brother was switching to a new college that had a program I was interested in and we decided to go together. I was 25 and returning to college as a full time student.

I really sort of found myself while at college. Being away from home was good for me and the college experience helped me a lot personally. I still didn't quite fit in because i was a bit older than most and not the most social person in the world. Having my brother there helped because I learned for watching him interact (he was more social than I) and it helped me get introduced to new people.

I still had the same struggles with schoolwork as I did before. I found it especially hard to concentrate in some of the classes where I felt I already knew the materials because of previous class or life experiences. I struggled through math and statistics as well. But I was a more confident person and handled it better than I did before. I felt a little more like I was on the same level as the instructors that I did in the past and that helped me communicate with them more, which in turn lead to more help and better grades.

I also began dating in college. It was and odd realization that all this time I had thought I was undesirable only to find that dating was actually pretty easy, and I was well liked.

College ended 2 years later with a BS and a 2.85 GPA, not superstar, but something I could be proud of.

College Phase 1

I enjoyed my college experience for the most part. It was where I really began to develop not only self worth, and an identity, but tools for survival with ADHD without even knowing I had it.

I began my college experience while still in High School. To me it was a relief from the drudgery of normal school life. I could escape a number of "required" classes that I would have bombed at and focus my attention on classes that I actually enjoyed.

College for me went in two phases, first the 2 year degree and after a couple years of working, the 4 year degree. In community college I found classes in my chosen field to be relatively easy and enjoyable, although I could have done better. When things got technical, in groups, or working on larger or more detailed projects I would falter.

I had to take a little algebra to meet the minimal requirements. The professor was fantastic and brought some energy to the classroom. I actually got a "C" which was great for me. When I had to take accounting ti was a very different experience. the professor was terrible. There was very little teaching and what there was was poor at best. Most classes consisted of collecting the previous days homework, asking if there were any questions and dismissing class. Classes rarely lasted more than 20 minutes. I found myself with no idea what was going on. I couldn't even form a decent question to ask for help. I dropped the class with the hopes of getting a different professor next quarter. As things turned out I did not get a different professor, he was the only one available. I never attended a day of the classes. I took tests weekly in the testing center and self taught myself from the book. It was really hard and I struggled with this class more than any other class. I nearly gave up completely even though it was one of my last classes before I graduated. I wound up passing with a "D" and I was happy to have it over with.

I also struggled with turning in assignments. My professors were relatively lenient, and I could get away with turning in late assignments with some of them.

group work was one of my biggest fears. I always assumed failure would be the outcome because I thought other people would work much the same that I did. I was an active participant, but I would have a hard time remembering what it was that was expected of me and keeping up in group discussions. I knew that other group members didn't care for my absent mindedness, but at least I wasn't the looser that didn't do anything so I could tag along relatively unnoticed.

This was in fact a pretty lonely time for me. I had cut ties with my childhood friends. Most of them had began using drugs and couldn't be trusted anymore. I didn't have any faith in friendship and hadn't the courage to date. I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I began to develop an introspective creativity that needed an outlet, but had no idea what that should be.

I finished community college with a 2 year degree in Marketing with an emphasis in Management. I had a respectable GPA, and hopes of beginning a career.

A little history - Grade School

I have known for years that something was different about the way that I operated. I always had a difficult time in school, work and home where others seemed to find things easy and even enjoyable I found difficulty, pain and frustration.

Throughout my educational experience ADHD was never mentioned, it was before ADHD was all the rage. I remember my Mom pushing to get me tested by the school system to find out why I was not doing well and the countless hours of testing and counselors who tried to find out what was wrong with me. The tests for the most part showed I was ahead of the game in most areas but lacked motivation.

I was put into an english class for learning disabled kids and had to take some classes in jr. high on how to study. These were mostly to appease my mother and show the school was doing something although it really didn't make sense to me and was a source of frustration and self degredation.

In Highschool I found a progrma where I was allowed to go to work for a few hours in place of classes and that really helped a lot. Later I transitined to a different program offering college classes at the local jr. college where I carried a B average, something I had never done in grade school.

Throughout my school years I had a really hard time with classes involving formulas or rules such as math and english, but I did pretty well in social studies and other elective classes.

I never could never remember the rules or sequence required to get to the right answer. I could look at an equasion and know about what the answer should be just by using common sense, but to follow the formula or remember it was beyond my capabilities. I remember my parents and teachers being very frustrated when it seemed that I was refusing to learn what to them was a simple concept. My 9th grade algebra teacher passed me on effort alone because I cam e to school early every morning for about 2 months for tutoring althogh I still failed the class if you looked at my scores.

As I look back people were trying to help me, but nobody really knew what to do. Here was this bright kid who seemed uninterested and refused to pay attention. They couldn't really consider me learning disabled because I was testing beyond my grade level in most areas, I just was blocked when it came to learing.

It was a really frustrating time for me personally I dealt with depression and didn't like myself very much. I was generally not ver social and the few friends I had were screw-ups who started getting into realy trouble in high-school which lead to a parting of ways and isolation. There were no girlfriends in school, I didn't have the confidence to approach girls and probably put across an air of sadness that wasn't very appealing.

Eventially I graduated and went on to college, we'll talk about that later.

Why I'm writing this Blog

For several obvious reasons I have decided to keep my identity to myself (For simplicity I'll call myself Jerry Miller). But I have decided to share my experiences as a 36 year old male going through the realization and treatment of ADHD in the hopes that what I do here may be of use to others facing the same or similar issues and life events.

I also hope that by putting my thoughts and experiences down it will help me process what is going on and what my feeling are as I proceed through what will likely prove to be a confusing and challenging time of my live.