I haven't written in a few days, been kinda busy, and I have ADHD :)
Anyway, no more bad jokes. I've just been waiting. I called my old diagnosing therapist and had her send the rest of my chart info to my new Psychiatrist to hopefully forgo the whole testing issue. I'm hoping to hear something relatively soon.
I continue to see how ADHD affects those around me. Funny how after you understand why things are the way they are you find yourself recognizing the things you've been doing. My wife is doing the same thing and has begun to change the way she handles me knowing what she knows now. I can't say for sure that she's much more patient with my issues, but she has adapted how she responds to get a more positive reaction from me. I think this is a good thing, maybe.
For example, I often drift off in a conversation and when it would be my turn to speak I would either say nothing or grunt an answer. In the past she would get mad and tell me how awful a person I am (exaggerating a little), now if I don't come back with a suitable response I get a "respond" or "It's your turn to talk" out of her which feel a little like I'm being treated like a child, but it's what gets the job done and keeps her from blowing her top, at least it does until she has to do it like 35 times.
I have a vacation coming up and there has been a lot of preparation for it going on. I find it has me pretty well distracted from my job which at the moment is pretty boring run of assignments. I'm kinda struggling and drinking a lot of caffeine compared to my normal state, which is no caffine. I am making progress though and hope to be done with the worste of it today. Which reminds me Lunch is over and it's time to get back to it.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
What it's like having ADHD for me
ADHD is a tricky little B1tch, it creeps into every part of your life and causes all sorts of problems. I'm not incapable of having a good life the way things are, but it isn't a complete life. You miss out on lots of things when your ADHD and you will affect the people around you on a daily basis.
I'm not an expert on the topic, I'm a bit like the driver of the car, not the mechanic, I know there are problems with the car, and I know how they affect it, but I can't fix it on my own. I can learn how to live with problems, much like you can with a car. If the car dies when it rains you don't drive it in the rain, sure it's not very convenient, but you can make due with it.
My life is affected in many ways. Here are a few things that jump out at me, some may not even be ADHD, but from what I understand they probably are.
1) When being talked to I am VERY easily distracted by ANYTHING else going on. I loose track of conversations and drift off into my own little world. THis is very frustrating for the people talking to and for myself when I realize I have no idea what my boss just told me he wants me to do because there was a flock of gese in the background which diverted my attentino and I never really got back to listening to him after that.
2) Projects, oh my god! First off I am great at starting projects, but terrible at ever completing any of them. I loose interest and drift on to the next new thing. Some days I go out to work on something in the garage, get started and have to get something from the shed, and I will get distracted by something in the yard so I go to work on that until I see something else and go off on that until I see something else, and oh I forgot about the thing in the basement that I need to work on...all this can happen in the course of a few minutes. (oh the project in the garage is still waiting for me weeks later)
3) Work, I'll start working on a budget for example and after about 10 minutes I will start to zone out and nod off. I'll click on the internet and check some things on Craigslist.org for a minute or 20 then I will go back to workingfor another 10 minutes until I begin to nod off again, repeat this about 20 times a day.
4) Highs and lows, I can be crazy and kid like one minute and a short while later quiet and tired. Turns out that I can get excited about something and act out on it, but unless something feeds the excitement it kind of fizzles out and I crash down.
5) Cleanliness is next to godliness and I'm going to hell. I can clean things, I'm just not very good at it I can do the dishes and completely overlook several things that aren't apparent unless pointed out (Thanks Clara) I also keep my personal spaces in complete dissaray. I can come up with some pretty great ideas for how to organize myself, but have zero follow through once I put it all together and it all goes to hell once again.
6) Out of sight, out of mind. If I put something "away" such as project files at work I will never ever think about them again and they will languish in my file drawers for eternity. Same thing goes for projects left in out of sight areas.
As you can imagine living with someone with ADHD can be a constant struggle and source of frustration especially if you're an organized person.
I'm not an expert on the topic, I'm a bit like the driver of the car, not the mechanic, I know there are problems with the car, and I know how they affect it, but I can't fix it on my own. I can learn how to live with problems, much like you can with a car. If the car dies when it rains you don't drive it in the rain, sure it's not very convenient, but you can make due with it.
My life is affected in many ways. Here are a few things that jump out at me, some may not even be ADHD, but from what I understand they probably are.
1) When being talked to I am VERY easily distracted by ANYTHING else going on. I loose track of conversations and drift off into my own little world. THis is very frustrating for the people talking to and for myself when I realize I have no idea what my boss just told me he wants me to do because there was a flock of gese in the background which diverted my attentino and I never really got back to listening to him after that.
2) Projects, oh my god! First off I am great at starting projects, but terrible at ever completing any of them. I loose interest and drift on to the next new thing. Some days I go out to work on something in the garage, get started and have to get something from the shed, and I will get distracted by something in the yard so I go to work on that until I see something else and go off on that until I see something else, and oh I forgot about the thing in the basement that I need to work on...all this can happen in the course of a few minutes. (oh the project in the garage is still waiting for me weeks later)
3) Work, I'll start working on a budget for example and after about 10 minutes I will start to zone out and nod off. I'll click on the internet and check some things on Craigslist.org for a minute or 20 then I will go back to workingfor another 10 minutes until I begin to nod off again, repeat this about 20 times a day.
4) Highs and lows, I can be crazy and kid like one minute and a short while later quiet and tired. Turns out that I can get excited about something and act out on it, but unless something feeds the excitement it kind of fizzles out and I crash down.
5) Cleanliness is next to godliness and I'm going to hell. I can clean things, I'm just not very good at it I can do the dishes and completely overlook several things that aren't apparent unless pointed out (Thanks Clara) I also keep my personal spaces in complete dissaray. I can come up with some pretty great ideas for how to organize myself, but have zero follow through once I put it all together and it all goes to hell once again.
6) Out of sight, out of mind. If I put something "away" such as project files at work I will never ever think about them again and they will languish in my file drawers for eternity. Same thing goes for projects left in out of sight areas.
As you can imagine living with someone with ADHD can be a constant struggle and source of frustration especially if you're an organized person.
Latest Developements
As my wife reaches the end of her rope waiting for me to get treatment the process continues to drag on. I received a call from the provider I have been trying to see, and apparently the information she received from my diagnosing therapist wasn't up to her standards. It seems she only sent the computer test results which weren't enough for her. I had to make yet another call to get a more complete file sent over. My diagnosing therapist seems to think this is all a little more than should be needed if she just met with me it should be quite clear that I have the condition, but I have not met with her yet, so she's sending more info from my case in the hopes that it might help the process along.
This whole thing to me is getting pretty frustrating, and now I'm getting a little concerned that the Psychiatrist may be too cautious about handing out drugs, and I will end up disappointed with her caution. I am really hoping for someone who is relatively aggressive and knows what they're doing.
This whole thing to me is getting pretty frustrating, and now I'm getting a little concerned that the Psychiatrist may be too cautious about handing out drugs, and I will end up disappointed with her caution. I am really hoping for someone who is relatively aggressive and knows what they're doing.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Anyone Know a Good Psychiatrist?
In order to get treatment I need to find a good Psychiatrist. easy right? Well, maybe not. I started with a referral from my therapist. After a few calls I was not impressed with the office and decided anyone who operates like they did wasn't for me. He may have been great, I don't know because I never got past the front desk which was not helpful at all due to odd scheduling policies.
I'll just check the internet for an ADHD specialist, should be lots of them right? Nope, only a couple hits in my area, and they weren't taking on new clients.
Next up, and ADHD hot line I ran across. They gave a few names in my area, but again they weren't accepting new patients!
If you need a job, apparently you should be a psychiatrist! You'll be turning away work.
I finally ran across a few clinics that were accepting new patients but they weren't booking for two months, but that schedule wasn't available yet, so I'd have to call back and try to get in, Ughh, they aren't making this easy for a guy with ADHD!
Finally I ran across a provider who has time, but she may require additional testing to feel comfortable treating me which will cost hundreds of dollars I don't really have. She is currently reviewing my tests and we should talk later today. I'm hopeful that she can treat me without the additional tests.
The concern about treatment is that most of the drugs used to treat ADHD are controlled substances, akin to uppers you can buy on the street so there is a due diligence that needs to be followed do doctors don't get their hads slapped or write a script to a dealer, or adict.
I could see a family doctor, but I was advised not to go that route by my therapist because they don't really know what they're doing and tend to under treat the condition resulting in a longer period of trial and error.
I'll keep you posted...
I'll just check the internet for an ADHD specialist, should be lots of them right? Nope, only a couple hits in my area, and they weren't taking on new clients.
Next up, and ADHD hot line I ran across. They gave a few names in my area, but again they weren't accepting new patients!
If you need a job, apparently you should be a psychiatrist! You'll be turning away work.
I finally ran across a few clinics that were accepting new patients but they weren't booking for two months, but that schedule wasn't available yet, so I'd have to call back and try to get in, Ughh, they aren't making this easy for a guy with ADHD!
Finally I ran across a provider who has time, but she may require additional testing to feel comfortable treating me which will cost hundreds of dollars I don't really have. She is currently reviewing my tests and we should talk later today. I'm hopeful that she can treat me without the additional tests.
The concern about treatment is that most of the drugs used to treat ADHD are controlled substances, akin to uppers you can buy on the street so there is a due diligence that needs to be followed do doctors don't get their hads slapped or write a script to a dealer, or adict.
I could see a family doctor, but I was advised not to go that route by my therapist because they don't really know what they're doing and tend to under treat the condition resulting in a longer period of trial and error.
I'll keep you posted...
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Thoughts after Diagnosis
I have struggled with myself for my entire life. I have had a real hard time of it in school, personal life and career. Much of the struggle is likely due to my ADHD condition.
In school I had been tested by several different counselors and my mother made some enemies with the school district trying to get me some kind of help and the best they could come up with was learning disabled. Learning disabled even though I tested beyond my grade level in nearly every subject! I know this was before the drug every child programs of the 90's, but this misdiagnosis had serious implications on my life.
Believing I was learning disabled kept me from reaching my full potential. It made me feel as though I was stupid and handicapped. It ruined my self esteem and in turn my social life. Not only did I think there was something wrong with me that lowered my opinion of my worth, other peers knew about it because of the special classes. It was a weakness, and all weaknesses are to be picked on by other children.
I couldn't hang with the kids that were cool or normal even, I was put into the weird kid group. A social outcast stuck with kids I knew were morons and unstable. Most of them have grown up to be drunks, drug users or criminals. These were my peers while going through school because I was told by the system that these were the closest allies in the school. F()cking great way to go through school. They wondered why I hated going every day.
I didn't get the chance to get away from this mold until I went to college for the second time. Both time and distance helped me to put some of the memories of youth behind. I still had a difficult time in social situations and I do to this day. I much prefer intimate settings to groups. But I had lots of time to realize I could do well and to just reflect on my life.
My choice of an art minor was very helpful because I excelled at art, and lets be honest, art students had a higher proportion of kids similar to myself than other disciplines and I was able to show myself as a talented person. I wish I had the time and money to have double majored in art and Marketing.
I discovered that I could be desirable while at college as well. I actually had real girlfriends that liked to be with me. In high school not so much.
I'm getting a little off track, but suffice it to say that if I had gotten treatment at an earlier age I strongly believe that My life would have been a much easier and happier experience. I also believe that I would have been much more successful than I have been although I'm not doing that badly.
Then there's my wife and family. How much sh^t have I put them through because of my condition that really wasn't necessary? I screw things up and forget things all the time causing great frustration to my wife. While each incident isn't exactly the end of the world, they accumulate and she has had to start treating me like a child. She can't trust I'm going to follow through on things. Some times I'm better than others, but in general I'm shit when it comes to remembering things.
Oh, and how about a hobby, something I've always wanted but have never been able to have. I have some stable interests, but when you're ADHD you can't ever focus on it without really putting forth some serious effort. And because your so scattered you have about 100 unfinished projects that will suck away your time.
I Alos wonder how far I could have gotten in my career if I had been able to focus my attentions, I know I do a good job, but I don't keep a neat workplace and I tend to need some guidance to keep on track, and like at home I have about a million things that never quite get finished until they reach a crisis or deadline.
I feel like someone owes me a lot. I feel like people had the opprtunity to help me, but failed and I've been the one suffering and losing out in life. Maybe I should be greatful because my life isn't too bad, that I've learned to live with my difficulties and do well which might give me an edge when I begine treatment and can use my skills to be better than some.
In school I had been tested by several different counselors and my mother made some enemies with the school district trying to get me some kind of help and the best they could come up with was learning disabled. Learning disabled even though I tested beyond my grade level in nearly every subject! I know this was before the drug every child programs of the 90's, but this misdiagnosis had serious implications on my life.
Believing I was learning disabled kept me from reaching my full potential. It made me feel as though I was stupid and handicapped. It ruined my self esteem and in turn my social life. Not only did I think there was something wrong with me that lowered my opinion of my worth, other peers knew about it because of the special classes. It was a weakness, and all weaknesses are to be picked on by other children.
I couldn't hang with the kids that were cool or normal even, I was put into the weird kid group. A social outcast stuck with kids I knew were morons and unstable. Most of them have grown up to be drunks, drug users or criminals. These were my peers while going through school because I was told by the system that these were the closest allies in the school. F()cking great way to go through school. They wondered why I hated going every day.
I didn't get the chance to get away from this mold until I went to college for the second time. Both time and distance helped me to put some of the memories of youth behind. I still had a difficult time in social situations and I do to this day. I much prefer intimate settings to groups. But I had lots of time to realize I could do well and to just reflect on my life.
My choice of an art minor was very helpful because I excelled at art, and lets be honest, art students had a higher proportion of kids similar to myself than other disciplines and I was able to show myself as a talented person. I wish I had the time and money to have double majored in art and Marketing.
I discovered that I could be desirable while at college as well. I actually had real girlfriends that liked to be with me. In high school not so much.
I'm getting a little off track, but suffice it to say that if I had gotten treatment at an earlier age I strongly believe that My life would have been a much easier and happier experience. I also believe that I would have been much more successful than I have been although I'm not doing that badly.
Then there's my wife and family. How much sh^t have I put them through because of my condition that really wasn't necessary? I screw things up and forget things all the time causing great frustration to my wife. While each incident isn't exactly the end of the world, they accumulate and she has had to start treating me like a child. She can't trust I'm going to follow through on things. Some times I'm better than others, but in general I'm shit when it comes to remembering things.
Oh, and how about a hobby, something I've always wanted but have never been able to have. I have some stable interests, but when you're ADHD you can't ever focus on it without really putting forth some serious effort. And because your so scattered you have about 100 unfinished projects that will suck away your time.
I Alos wonder how far I could have gotten in my career if I had been able to focus my attentions, I know I do a good job, but I don't keep a neat workplace and I tend to need some guidance to keep on track, and like at home I have about a million things that never quite get finished until they reach a crisis or deadline.
I feel like someone owes me a lot. I feel like people had the opprtunity to help me, but failed and I've been the one suffering and losing out in life. Maybe I should be greatful because my life isn't too bad, that I've learned to live with my difficulties and do well which might give me an edge when I begine treatment and can use my skills to be better than some.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Diagnosis
Once I had a good idea that I should be taking some sort of action I had to figure out what action to take. I had seen counselors as a child through school, but didn't exactly have one on speed dial.
My workplace has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) which will pay for a few sessions with a counselor, among other things such as legal help etc...
I was given a few names and phone numbers by the representative on the phone and made a few calls. I settled on Pathways for no specific reason other than they could get me in relatively soon and had some specialty in ADHD issues.
The Therapist I saw was very nice and respectful. She outlined the events and the order in which things would go. The first session would be a lot of question and answer, the second would be a computer test and the third would be going over results and forming an action plan.
During the first session she asked me a few questions to get to know me better and find out why I thought I was ADHD. After that we moved into a more structured set of questions to determine if and how severely I was affected. I didn't find the questions particularly difficult, but they were enlightening. Through the question and answer process I realized how often I am effected by this condition. It really made me think about how my life has been formed by what I've been going through.
The therapist gave me an identical set of questions to take home for my wife to fill out. I guess sometimes they want you to have several people fill out the questionare to get a more complete picture of where you're at. I being a relatively solitary person and not being interested in making my condition public only did one person. From the cues I was picking up on from the therapist I didn't think there was much possibility I wasn't ADHD.
The second appointment started off with reviewing my wife's survey with my own answers from the previous session. They were remarkably close to each other except for a few questions.
After the review she set up a computer with a test of sorts. I had to watch a white box in the middle of the screen. There was a small black box that would appear on either the top or bottom half of the white box. If it appeared on the top half of the white box I was to click a button. That's it, very simple. The test ran for like 20 or 25 minutes.
At the end of the test she took a look at my scores and told me that she would usually go over the results in the third session, but we had some time and could do it today.
Apparently I didn't do very well. As the test went on my error rate increased, and my response time decreased. This was symptomatic of ADHD, and that along with the two surveys showed that I scored as being very ADHD, I was in the top percentage for ADHD scores on both tests leaving little doubt in her mind that I needed help.
The therapist asked what kind of treatment I was interested in, medication, or some sort of skill building and counseling approach. I could tell by her wording that she really thought medication was the way to go and it was what I was seeking when I went to see her. I had some of these skill building exercises in school and they were worthless to me.
My therapist not being a Psychologist could not prescribe drugs so she gave me a recommendation and wished me luck.
My workplace has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) which will pay for a few sessions with a counselor, among other things such as legal help etc...
I was given a few names and phone numbers by the representative on the phone and made a few calls. I settled on Pathways for no specific reason other than they could get me in relatively soon and had some specialty in ADHD issues.
The Therapist I saw was very nice and respectful. She outlined the events and the order in which things would go. The first session would be a lot of question and answer, the second would be a computer test and the third would be going over results and forming an action plan.
During the first session she asked me a few questions to get to know me better and find out why I thought I was ADHD. After that we moved into a more structured set of questions to determine if and how severely I was affected. I didn't find the questions particularly difficult, but they were enlightening. Through the question and answer process I realized how often I am effected by this condition. It really made me think about how my life has been formed by what I've been going through.
The therapist gave me an identical set of questions to take home for my wife to fill out. I guess sometimes they want you to have several people fill out the questionare to get a more complete picture of where you're at. I being a relatively solitary person and not being interested in making my condition public only did one person. From the cues I was picking up on from the therapist I didn't think there was much possibility I wasn't ADHD.
The second appointment started off with reviewing my wife's survey with my own answers from the previous session. They were remarkably close to each other except for a few questions.
After the review she set up a computer with a test of sorts. I had to watch a white box in the middle of the screen. There was a small black box that would appear on either the top or bottom half of the white box. If it appeared on the top half of the white box I was to click a button. That's it, very simple. The test ran for like 20 or 25 minutes.
At the end of the test she took a look at my scores and told me that she would usually go over the results in the third session, but we had some time and could do it today.
Apparently I didn't do very well. As the test went on my error rate increased, and my response time decreased. This was symptomatic of ADHD, and that along with the two surveys showed that I scored as being very ADHD, I was in the top percentage for ADHD scores on both tests leaving little doubt in her mind that I needed help.
The therapist asked what kind of treatment I was interested in, medication, or some sort of skill building and counseling approach. I could tell by her wording that she really thought medication was the way to go and it was what I was seeking when I went to see her. I had some of these skill building exercises in school and they were worthless to me.
My therapist not being a Psychologist could not prescribe drugs so she gave me a recommendation and wished me luck.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Realization Day
I have always been "absent minded" but neve thought of myself as being ADHD. Oh sure from time to time there would be a joke tossed out, but seriously nobody ever said you should go get tested. I never thought I had ADHD.
One day I had upset Clara, I hadn't been listening and had been forgetting things more than usual and in frustration she said what are you ADHD or something? You should go get tested, something is wrong with you.
Well it stuck with me and I took an online test. If you suspect you're ADHD you've probably take it yourself too. Just Google ADHD test and you'll find it on several sites. I scored a 90 and the comment was that I should seek a mental health professional immediately.
Immediatly? Really, I'm just a little forgetful it can't be right, anyone would score high on this test, I'll take another one, yep, scored an 88...Immediately really me? ADHD?? What the hell. I was stunned, I had Clara take the test, she got a 22. I'm a 90, immediatly, WTF? I'm friggin ADHD?
It would explain a lot I guess. But I'm sure the therapist would come back with something less urgent than immediatly right?
One day I had upset Clara, I hadn't been listening and had been forgetting things more than usual and in frustration she said what are you ADHD or something? You should go get tested, something is wrong with you.
Well it stuck with me and I took an online test. If you suspect you're ADHD you've probably take it yourself too. Just Google ADHD test and you'll find it on several sites. I scored a 90 and the comment was that I should seek a mental health professional immediately.
Immediatly? Really, I'm just a little forgetful it can't be right, anyone would score high on this test, I'll take another one, yep, scored an 88...Immediately really me? ADHD?? What the hell. I was stunned, I had Clara take the test, she got a 22. I'm a 90, immediatly, WTF? I'm friggin ADHD?
It would explain a lot I guess. But I'm sure the therapist would come back with something less urgent than immediatly right?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
