Thoughts after Diagnosis

I have struggled with myself for my entire life. I have had a real hard time of it in school, personal life and career. Much of the struggle is likely due to my ADHD condition.

In school I had been tested by several different counselors and my mother made some enemies with the school district trying to get me some kind of help and the best they could come up with was learning disabled. Learning disabled even though I tested beyond my grade level in nearly every subject! I know this was before the drug every child programs of the 90's, but this misdiagnosis had serious implications on my life.

Believing I was learning disabled kept me from reaching my full potential. It made me feel as though I was stupid and handicapped. It ruined my self esteem and in turn my social life. Not only did I think there was something wrong with me that lowered my opinion of my worth, other peers knew about it because of the special classes. It was a weakness, and all weaknesses are to be picked on by other children.

I couldn't hang with the kids that were cool or normal even, I was put into the weird kid group. A social outcast stuck with kids I knew were morons and unstable. Most of them have grown up to be drunks, drug users or criminals. These were my peers while going through school because I was told by the system that these were the closest allies in the school. F()cking great way to go through school. They wondered why I hated going every day.

I didn't get the chance to get away from this mold until I went to college for the second time. Both time and distance helped me to put some of the memories of youth behind. I still had a difficult time in social situations and I do to this day. I much prefer intimate settings to groups. But I had lots of time to realize I could do well and to just reflect on my life.

My choice of an art minor was very helpful because I excelled at art, and lets be honest, art students had a higher proportion of kids similar to myself than other disciplines and I was able to show myself as a talented person. I wish I had the time and money to have double majored in art and Marketing.

I discovered that I could be desirable while at college as well. I actually had real girlfriends that liked to be with me. In high school not so much.

I'm getting a little off track, but suffice it to say that if I had gotten treatment at an earlier age I strongly believe that My life would have been a much easier and happier experience. I also believe that I would have been much more successful than I have been although I'm not doing that badly.

Then there's my wife and family. How much sh^t have I put them through because of my condition that really wasn't necessary? I screw things up and forget things all the time causing great frustration to my wife. While each incident isn't exactly the end of the world, they accumulate and she has had to start treating me like a child. She can't trust I'm going to follow through on things. Some times I'm better than others, but in general I'm shit when it comes to remembering things.

Oh, and how about a hobby, something I've always wanted but have never been able to have. I have some stable interests, but when you're ADHD you can't ever focus on it without really putting forth some serious effort. And because your so scattered you have about 100 unfinished projects that will suck away your time.

I Alos wonder how far I could have gotten in my career if I had been able to focus my attentions, I know I do a good job, but I don't keep a neat workplace and I tend to need some guidance to keep on track, and like at home I have about a million things that never quite get finished until they reach a crisis or deadline.

I feel like someone owes me a lot. I feel like people had the opprtunity to help me, but failed and I've been the one suffering and losing out in life. Maybe I should be greatful because my life isn't too bad, that I've learned to live with my difficulties and do well which might give me an edge when I begine treatment and can use my skills to be better than some.