Back on Rittalin

I decided to go back on Ritalin last week because with Christmas coming my wife wasn't happy with the meed change I had after I started taking Strattera. I don't blame the new drug, it was going off the old drug. Straterra takes a while to take effect and you start out at a low dose. I gave up after a week.

I intend to go back to Straterra after Christmas, when I can afford to be a little less jolly.

On to a new med - Strattera

So, after a month on Rittalin, I talked to my Dr. and we decided to give Strattera a try. The reason we switched was that Rittalin didn't really do a very good job of treating my ADHD symptoms. It gave me an energy boost, but it was hard to focus that energy in a positive way. Addreall which I took before had better results in being focused, but came with a host of other side effects that didn't work well for me.

Strattera is supposed to be different in that it doesn't work as a stimulant, it takes a while to work too, so I haven't been able to form an opinion on it yet. The drug is a little unique in that you take an increasing larger amount of the drug for the first month. Each week is a more potent dose until you reach a point at which you remain indefinitely. I am hoping that the non-stimulant will work for me. Apparently some people just don't react well on them and those people do better on this drug. My fingers are crossed.

Ritalin Update

I've noticed that some days Ritalin is my best friend, helps me out a lot, other times it isn't such a good friend. When it's not my friend, it either makes me feel kind like I have a energy drink high, but at the same time kind of sick feeling. Other times I have a hard time concentrating kinda like when I have a head cold without the congestion. I haven't been able to determine when or why it decides to affect me one way or the other. It may have something to do with how much sugar or activity I am experience.

If I get a lot of sugar, I think I get too much energy when combined with the ritalin and I go into a sort of overload.

If I don't have anything going on and I'm on ritalin I get really dull and lethargic.

It's been a few days since I posted. I've been doing pretty well on the Ritalin, but it isn't perfect. I feel as though it makes me a little hyper, and in comparison to the Adderall, it doesn't do as good a job of helping me keep my life on track, but I don't have as many negative side effects with headaches and stomach problems and while I feel hyper I don't feel as stressed out as I did on Adderall. I also noticed my appetite has returned which is both good and bad. I have noticed some pronounced sugar cravings especially when the drug begins to wear off in the early evening. I assume it is my body's response to the decrease in energy to try to compensate with sweets.

I may inquire with my doctor about the possibility of trying another medication when I see him next. I don't see much of a reason to stop trying new things until I know what will work best for me.

Ritalin now

I had an appointment with my Dr. on the 21st and we discussed the side effects I was experiencing from the Adderall, and we decided to give Ritalin a try. I could tell he doesn't like Ritalin as much, but he decided it was worth a try if it made me feel better overall.

I got my 10mg prescription for up to 2 tablets twice a day. I began taking it the next day and I was a little disappointed in that I didn't really feel as though it was working. I didn't feel any different, except maybe a little more mellow. My other side effect didn't seem to be as bad so that was a plus. After a few days I took two pills in the morning to see if that might give me more of an effect and holy cow, I was buzzy all morning. It was not the best feeling. My mind felt like it was tingling and I had tons of useless nervous energy. Take a few redbulls and I think you'll get the idea. Since then I have cut back to one pill at a time.

I have noticed a difference in the way I feel the last few days. I feel a little more hyper than I did the first few days, but not all the time. If I am mellow, I stay mellow, but if I do something I get a bit of an energy rush. Sometimes it is a little too much and I feel the need to quiet myself down. Meditation works if I can get to a quiet place.

Overall I think I like this medication more than the Adderall. I don't have an upset stomach and the headaches are less significant so I'm handling it well.

During my conversation with the Dr. he made it clear that in most cases the medication is a bit of a compromise and that no medication will make me normal all the time. The real end goal is to find something that helps me function better than I did before, not to provide a magic pill. To that end I think it helps.

I had heard stories about people getting super anal on these drugs. I heard a story about a graphics artist that couldn't stop working on graphics until they were perfect when he took the drugs. I haven't seen anything like that. I can stick with things longer, but I still get frustrated and walk away or get to the good enough point and call it done. I suppose it has a lot to do with your original personality coming through. I have never been much of a perfectionist so I don't become more of one on these drugs whereas a person who tends to obsess may then have the ability to follow through on their obsessive behavior when they are on the drugs.

Really, just one follower?

Off subject today, but I'm off my meds today so I'll blame that.

I'm a little disappointed that I only have one follower! I'm sure your a nice guy, and thanks for reading. I don't really get this blog thing, how are you supposed to get more followers? I can't even figure out how I'd search for other blogs of interest! Does someone just have to trip over my blog?

Sorry, I was just a little frustrated there. Whewwww, it's out of my system now. I really write this for myself anyway. I'm trying to write down my experiences because it helps cement them in my mind, and it brings stuff up to the front of my mind that may be rolling around in the rusty corners like a lugnut in the trunk of a 1974 pinto. You hear it, it bugs you a little, but you don't really take the time when you're driving to see what it is until you stop and pop the trunk and take a look around.

More Observations

So, I'm trying to get comfortable with Adderall, and while it works, I don't feel like it's going to be the best possible medication. Perhaps I will be proved wrong.

Adderall does help with energy level and focus, but I also have almost no appetite while I'm on it which means I get no joy out of eating or making meals. My job in the house is chief cook so this has been a problem. I have also experienced a higher instance of indigestion, or heartburn. I have had heartburn from time to time generally when under great stress, or after eating something really really funky, but no more than a couple times a year. Since adderall, I have had heartburn every few days.

Sleeplessness, and dreams have become an issue. I don't get tired as easily, but I can fall asleep. It isn't as restful as it could be. I find myself waking up more often during the night and I am having more vivid dream sequences. These seem more often to be the sort of in control dreams when you're aware that your dreaming and can direct the dream, but weird dream stuff is still going on. I have had a few nights where sleep has been very difficult, but taking the drugs before 1pm seems to help that issue.

I rarely pee during the day now. It usually hits me in the evening when my second dose should be wearing off and then I'm going about once an hour or more for a while. Not really a big deal, but it drives my wife nuts when I pause the movie we're watching so I can go pee again.

Conversely, I am drinking more during the day. I often feel parched and need a drink during the day.

I think I mentioned this in a previous post, getting and maintaining a stiffy has become a little more work. Things still work, but a little more effort seems to be necessary.

All in all, nothing super serious, just a few nitpicks to cause me to think that perhaps another medication may offer me a better solution. I have been enjoying the added focus. In fact as I write this I remembered I forgot my afternoon dose and I have having a hard time getting things done in the office.

2 pills tohttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=3043785899990554405o much

Yesterday I tried two pills in the morning to see if it gave me any sort of improvement. The result was not so good. It made me kind of zombie like. I had a project I was working on in the garage and I found it particularly hard to think ahead or make calculations of any value. I found myself staring into space at one point and realized I had been there for some time with no thought in my mind. It was pretty weird.



I can't say for sure it was the medication. I have been feeling a little off the past few days, kind of like I'm maybe on the verge of coming down with something.

In the afternoon I went back to one pill and felt a bit more normal later in the day but still slightly off.

Oct 2nd

I have officially put my medication to the first real test. I had two days of computer training which would normally be very difficult for me to endure. In the past I would have a hard time listening for any length of time and I would be nearly catatonic by lunchtime.

I was able to keep connected to the class the entire day without any perceivable problems paying attention. This was quite a breakthrough for me. I did have one off experience during the first day. Before the Adderall had a chance to take effect I was pretty sleepy so I grabbed a cup of tea (I hate coffee and didn't have change for a soda. The effect was pretty weird. I had tons of energy and a case of permagrin. I couldn't stop smiling and was really hyped up pretty good. It wasn't all together an unpleasant feeling, but not appropriate to the situation. I get a little of the same feeling but less pronounced when I take my second pill of the day, there must be a little overlap causing a boost of medication. I would take the second pill a little later, but then I run the risk of not being tired at bed-time.

Other observations this week.

My intake of sweets has dropped of quite significantly. I believe that I used to self medicate with sweets when my energy levels fell to a certian point. With the medication I don't have the lows, so there is no need to reach for the bag of candy.

Sex, yep, I'm gonna go there. I've noticed a moderate decline in sexual appatite and a more difficult time performing as I'd like to. Things still work, they just take a little more effort than before.

Forgot pills. One day this week I forgot my pills. I went back to my "normal" state with little difference to report. I did miss the better feelings I had with the pills, but no negetives to report.

Fidgeting. I'm a firgeter, I admit it. Drives my wife nuts. Mostly this is seen with the bouncing leg thing. I had read or been told that this behavior may decline with medication. I haven't seen that to be the case. In fact I might be doing more if anything.

Starting tomorros I am going to change up my routine to see what happens. I am going to go from my one pill twice a day routine to two pills in the morning and one in the afternoon. I want to see if I see any noticable improvement with an extra pill.

Learned a valuable lesson

I've been on Adderall for a few days now, and I think it's helping. I still haven't noticed a huge difference. I think it's filling the voids in my energy level so I don't crash. I seem to be getting more done, but still have some trouble with forgetting things.

I learned a lesson on Sunday. I take two pills per day, one in the morning and one with lunch. I didn't eat lunch until almost 3pm on Sunday. I was up really late Sunday evening. I don't think I got to sleep until sometime between 2:30 and 3am. Monday was a hard day. Luckily the pills helped to keep me going through the day although I could tell it was a fake sort of alert where I had decent energy but my coordination was off. Needless to say, take your meds earlier in the day if sleep is important to you.

Today I forgot to take them. I got a lot of sleep last night, but I can feel that I'm more tired feeling today than I was yesterday.

Tomorrow I will have a good test for my meds, I have a computer training class, that should put me to sleep in seconds!

New Perscription and Pills!

So, after getting the news about the cost about Adderall XR, I called my Dr., and he changed it to regular Adderall 10mg, shich was about $60 rather than $460!

I started taking it yesterday and went out for a day of working in the garage on various things that need doing. I didn't notice a huge change at one pill twice a day, but I will admit that it seemed that I had a bit more energy, about like having a coke or something, but less jittery. I might try two pills in the morning tomorrow to see how things go with that. Overall, I think it's working but I will know better after a few days.

One thing that occurred to me is that I don't really know what to expect. I guess I should have talked a little more about that with the Dr. But on the other hand I don't know that I wanted to know beforehand. This way it'sa little more blind for me so I won't be looking for anything in particular, I can be more objective.

I like the boost in energy and it seems to help me stick with things, but you can't really tell from a one day experience.

A perscription and a disapointment

So, finally I get my long awaited appointment with a psychiatrist and at long last a prescription for medication! Let the healing begin!

Oh, what's that Ms. Pharmacist? My insurance didn't cover the whole prescription? Oh, well, no big deal, I can afford it what can it cost? Oh, $450 you say, umm, well, I can't exactly swing that. I umm guess I'll have to skip on that. No Adderall for me!

I had assumed, wrongly so that since it was a generic medication, and that the drug was widely available and relatively popular that it wouldn't be very expensive. So wrong. I'll have to call the Doc and see if there's a cheaper alternative

Having an up day

Wow, I've been feeling really down the past few days. Seems like the ADHD really takes over when my energy levels are low. Today (this morning anyway) I've been really up. I don't know what it is, perhaps there was some sort of allergen affecting me the past few days.

Its kinda crazy that once you know you have ADHD and what to look for how many things you begin to notice that are ADHD symptoms. Like I said, this morning I've having an up day and while I feel really good, my brain feel like a ping pong ball bouncing around. i'm having a really hard time settling down.

Like a computer virus

I like to use analogies to explain things, it helps people understand things better.

I've been trying to think what would be a good analogy would be for ADHD to help people understand what the symptoms are like, and I think I've got it.

It's like using a computer that's on the blink or has a virus. Consider this, how frustrating would it be if you computer switched applications without warning, dropped information, anf turned on the sleep function after about 2 minutes of non-use? Pretty frustrating huh? That's what it's like having ADHD for me anyway.


I can be working on something as pleased as punch, and then without waring I find myself working on something else, then back again, like a computer switching you from Excel to Word, then to Powerpoint for a while, then the internet, then back to Word, now some video edting, and on and on even though you know you really need to be working on that Excel spreadsheet. And now that you've almost finished that Word document the file goes missing! I forget things all the time! Now you've been working on that powepoint for a few minutes and the computer goes to sleep, much like how I will be working on something that maybe doesn't engage my brain completely and BLAMO, I'm nodding off.

I heard that ADHD may be due to parts of the brain not getting enough glucose (sugar) This makes a lot of sense. I self medicate myself all the time by either drinking cafein (somethign I try to avaoid) or by eating starchy or sweet foods. raising my energy level temorarily and bring about a bit of productivity. I actually think that once I start taking some medication I will loose this extra 20 or so pounds that I carry. I try to eat healthy, but when your brain says you're going to sllep if you don't feed me and it's 2:30 in the afternoon, you're going to grab some jelly beans or potato chips to get you through the end of the work day. If given the chance I would eat all day long, a constant sugar drip would do me wonderfully.

God Damn, it just happened, I was typing and the next thing you know my freakin eyes are closed!

Back from Vacation

Took a nice vacation to Atlanta. I just goofed off while my wife was in some conferences. No realy ADHD business to report, probably won't be much until after the appointment in mid Sept. I wish it would be sooner so we can get it out of the way.

I have some training classes the next few days and I'm a little concerned that I'll have a hard tome paying attention to what's going on in class. I'll probably "self medicate" with caffeine. It actually works reasonably well as long as I don't drink too much of it or stop drinking it too early in the day and crash. Generally drinking a little every hour or so keeps me on track, only problem is sometimes my stomach doesn't agree with it though.

On a side note, Atlanta is the world headquarters of Coke-a-Cola. I looked into the "World of Coke" museum, but it costs $15 to learn more about a friggin soft drink? Couldn't bring myself to do it.

Have a happy day

Nothing much (part2)

Still nothing much to report on the treatment front, still waiting for the appointment date to finally roll around.

I found it interesting that in my packet of information I got from the clinic that my $300+ 2 hour appointment includes one hour of paperwork! So, I'm paying for and hour of paperwork! Man, what a disappointment, I figured it's worth the cash for a couple hours with the Doctor, but I hadn't really expected to pay to do the friggin paperwork.

I'm going to keep the appointment and just go with it at this point, maybe it's more than that, maybe they will have an underling do an intake interview or something that actually is more than me doing paperwork on my own.

I'm still struggling with things, in my personal/professional life, but it's a little easier when you have some understanding of what's going on and can justify your actions to some degree in your mind. The past couple weeks have been pretty up and down as far as symptoms go. I had a few really bad days when I think maybe I had a bug or something I was operating in a pretty thick brain fog which may be due to food allergies (I have food allergies) perhaps something got to me that I didn't realize was there.

Nothing much

Not much to report, I am still waiting for my first appointment in September, seems like a lifetime away.

Once you're away that you have a condition you really start to notice when it is affecting you. I had to give a quarterly report this week at work and preparing for it took forever because I kept getting side-tracked. The report went well, but I think it would have been better if I could have just done it without the distraction. I also realized how terrible my record keeping is!

Incrimental imporvements

Spent some time on the phone calling clinics yesterday and found one with an opening in Late September! Still seems a long ways off, but still better than a stick in the eye.

I spent two days this week in a class on project management. I think it was a test to see if I would go crazy or not. I'm not a project manager and while I pull a few tiny morsels of goodness from the class that might apply to my life, the rest of it was worthless to me. The first day was manageable with copious amounts of caffeine, but by the time the second day came around it was a constant struggle to not fall asleep and track what was going on in class. It got really, really bad. I was head bobbing and hearing words that I was unable to process in any sort of sensible way. It was exhausting and when group work came up I had no idea what we were supposed to do! Thankfully my fellow group members didn't really care, they knew I had no business being in the class and just went about the work to be done without me. I felt a little guilty, but not too much so.

I find a forget a lot of things and I'm trying to decide if I'm forgetting more than I did before or not. It seems like i am, but that could just be that I'm looking for problems too. I worry from time to time that in addition to ADHD something else might be wrong. I don't know what exactly, I'm way too young for Alzheimer's and I don't think I've eaten any mad cows recently.

I wish I was able to just go buy the drugs and do this myself. i so want to begin treatment and enjoy more out of life, but it just seems like it's taking forever.

Arrgh Still Searching

After getting word that the psyciatrist I was interested in wouldn't see me without a diagnosis from her pshchologist $$$$$ I decided to look elsewhere. I went back to the BCBS website to look up an in network doctor. Again, it was a lot of frustration. Offices either aren't taking on new patients, or the wait is 3 monts to be seen, or you need a referal from inside the clinic.

I just want to see the doctor, get on some meds and go about my life damn it.

I set up an appointment for November with a clinic. We'll have to see if I can find something sooner. I'd really like to get in before the end of August.

I had a wonderful ADHD moment today. I left the house with the patio door wide open. Not such a good idea if you want to keep the bad guys out. My wife was none too pleased to come home to a wide open house either.

I also was riding the motorcycle today when I realized that I never remember what gear I'm in and that could also be attributed to ADHD. I don't exactly know when ADHD ends and just plain forgetfullness takes over. Hopefully whatever it is is treatable and soon.

My wife has been pressuring me to get talk therapy, but I just don't see a lot of point in it. I'd just be doing it to make her happy, I honestly don't want to do it or thing there is much future in it.

Vaction is over and another dissapointment

I'm back from vacation. I had a really nice time hiking in the Smoky Mountains with my wife. We camped and took in the sights for about a week.

I had what I'd call a maybe ADHD experience that nearly ruined our trip. We have a credit card tied to the NWA air miles. As you may be aware NWA was bought by Delta and the air miles creidt card is transitioning to AMEX from Visa. The transition took place while on vacation, and even though they sent several notices to us about the change we somehow didn't figure it out and were left 1000 miles from home with no credit card. Thankfully we had enough cash to cover our basic expenses and the trip was not ruined. I'm not sure how much of that was ADHD and how much of it was jus tbeing a moron. I may never know.

I ran into another roadblock with my search for treatment. They Psychiatrist I've been trying to see has rejected by testing as insufficient, meaning if I want to see her I will have to submit to a new round of testing with her psycologist which is an expense I'd rather not pay to tell me something I already know. Why she can't just see me I don't know, according to my previous therapist it's quite obvious to anyone with training that I have it. I think the new lady is just trying to cover her bases, she seems kind of cautious over the phone. Perhaps it is for the best that I won't be seeing her because she may be too cautious about perscribing the right amounts or types of drugs. This was something my previous therapist warned me of.

I am going to have to go back to the BCBS list and find a new person to treat me, Oh how fun that will be.

Later...

Gone for a while

I'm going to be out of touch for a while unless I can figure out how to update with my wife's Ipod Touch. We will be on vacation.

I had hopes I would have been in treatment by now, but alas the wait continues. I wish I wasn't the one who had to push this thing along, but it seems as though the therapist I have chosen is very proactive in calling people. She show have my updated records by now! Maybe I'll call her today.

Later

Last few days

I haven't written in a few days, been kinda busy, and I have ADHD :)

Anyway, no more bad jokes. I've just been waiting. I called my old diagnosing therapist and had her send the rest of my chart info to my new Psychiatrist to hopefully forgo the whole testing issue. I'm hoping to hear something relatively soon.

I continue to see how ADHD affects those around me. Funny how after you understand why things are the way they are you find yourself recognizing the things you've been doing. My wife is doing the same thing and has begun to change the way she handles me knowing what she knows now. I can't say for sure that she's much more patient with my issues, but she has adapted how she responds to get a more positive reaction from me. I think this is a good thing, maybe.

For example, I often drift off in a conversation and when it would be my turn to speak I would either say nothing or grunt an answer. In the past she would get mad and tell me how awful a person I am (exaggerating a little), now if I don't come back with a suitable response I get a "respond" or "It's your turn to talk" out of her which feel a little like I'm being treated like a child, but it's what gets the job done and keeps her from blowing her top, at least it does until she has to do it like 35 times.

I have a vacation coming up and there has been a lot of preparation for it going on. I find it has me pretty well distracted from my job which at the moment is pretty boring run of assignments. I'm kinda struggling and drinking a lot of caffeine compared to my normal state, which is no caffine. I am making progress though and hope to be done with the worste of it today. Which reminds me Lunch is over and it's time to get back to it.

What it's like having ADHD for me

ADHD is a tricky little B1tch, it creeps into every part of your life and causes all sorts of problems. I'm not incapable of having a good life the way things are, but it isn't a complete life. You miss out on lots of things when your ADHD and you will affect the people around you on a daily basis.

I'm not an expert on the topic, I'm a bit like the driver of the car, not the mechanic, I know there are problems with the car, and I know how they affect it, but I can't fix it on my own. I can learn how to live with problems, much like you can with a car. If the car dies when it rains you don't drive it in the rain, sure it's not very convenient, but you can make due with it.

My life is affected in many ways. Here are a few things that jump out at me, some may not even be ADHD, but from what I understand they probably are.

1) When being talked to I am VERY easily distracted by ANYTHING else going on. I loose track of conversations and drift off into my own little world. THis is very frustrating for the people talking to and for myself when I realize I have no idea what my boss just told me he wants me to do because there was a flock of gese in the background which diverted my attentino and I never really got back to listening to him after that.

2) Projects, oh my god! First off I am great at starting projects, but terrible at ever completing any of them. I loose interest and drift on to the next new thing. Some days I go out to work on something in the garage, get started and have to get something from the shed, and I will get distracted by something in the yard so I go to work on that until I see something else and go off on that until I see something else, and oh I forgot about the thing in the basement that I need to work on...all this can happen in the course of a few minutes. (oh the project in the garage is still waiting for me weeks later)

3) Work, I'll start working on a budget for example and after about 10 minutes I will start to zone out and nod off. I'll click on the internet and check some things on Craigslist.org for a minute or 20 then I will go back to workingfor another 10 minutes until I begin to nod off again, repeat this about 20 times a day.

4) Highs and lows, I can be crazy and kid like one minute and a short while later quiet and tired. Turns out that I can get excited about something and act out on it, but unless something feeds the excitement it kind of fizzles out and I crash down.

5) Cleanliness is next to godliness and I'm going to hell. I can clean things, I'm just not very good at it I can do the dishes and completely overlook several things that aren't apparent unless pointed out (Thanks Clara) I also keep my personal spaces in complete dissaray. I can come up with some pretty great ideas for how to organize myself, but have zero follow through once I put it all together and it all goes to hell once again.

6) Out of sight, out of mind. If I put something "away" such as project files at work I will never ever think about them again and they will languish in my file drawers for eternity. Same thing goes for projects left in out of sight areas.

As you can imagine living with someone with ADHD can be a constant struggle and source of frustration especially if you're an organized person.

Latest Developements

As my wife reaches the end of her rope waiting for me to get treatment the process continues to drag on. I received a call from the provider I have been trying to see, and apparently the information she received from my diagnosing therapist wasn't up to her standards. It seems she only sent the computer test results which weren't enough for her. I had to make yet another call to get a more complete file sent over. My diagnosing therapist seems to think this is all a little more than should be needed if she just met with me it should be quite clear that I have the condition, but I have not met with her yet, so she's sending more info from my case in the hopes that it might help the process along.

This whole thing to me is getting pretty frustrating, and now I'm getting a little concerned that the Psychiatrist may be too cautious about handing out drugs, and I will end up disappointed with her caution. I am really hoping for someone who is relatively aggressive and knows what they're doing.

Anyone Know a Good Psychiatrist?

In order to get treatment I need to find a good Psychiatrist. easy right? Well, maybe not. I started with a referral from my therapist. After a few calls I was not impressed with the office and decided anyone who operates like they did wasn't for me. He may have been great, I don't know because I never got past the front desk which was not helpful at all due to odd scheduling policies.

I'll just check the internet for an ADHD specialist, should be lots of them right? Nope, only a couple hits in my area, and they weren't taking on new clients.

Next up, and ADHD hot line I ran across. They gave a few names in my area, but again they weren't accepting new patients!

If you need a job, apparently you should be a psychiatrist! You'll be turning away work.

I finally ran across a few clinics that were accepting new patients but they weren't booking for two months, but that schedule wasn't available yet, so I'd have to call back and try to get in, Ughh, they aren't making this easy for a guy with ADHD!

Finally I ran across a provider who has time, but she may require additional testing to feel comfortable treating me which will cost hundreds of dollars I don't really have. She is currently reviewing my tests and we should talk later today. I'm hopeful that she can treat me without the additional tests.

The concern about treatment is that most of the drugs used to treat ADHD are controlled substances, akin to uppers you can buy on the street so there is a due diligence that needs to be followed do doctors don't get their hads slapped or write a script to a dealer, or adict.

I could see a family doctor, but I was advised not to go that route by my therapist because they don't really know what they're doing and tend to under treat the condition resulting in a longer period of trial and error.

I'll keep you posted...

Thoughts after Diagnosis

I have struggled with myself for my entire life. I have had a real hard time of it in school, personal life and career. Much of the struggle is likely due to my ADHD condition.

In school I had been tested by several different counselors and my mother made some enemies with the school district trying to get me some kind of help and the best they could come up with was learning disabled. Learning disabled even though I tested beyond my grade level in nearly every subject! I know this was before the drug every child programs of the 90's, but this misdiagnosis had serious implications on my life.

Believing I was learning disabled kept me from reaching my full potential. It made me feel as though I was stupid and handicapped. It ruined my self esteem and in turn my social life. Not only did I think there was something wrong with me that lowered my opinion of my worth, other peers knew about it because of the special classes. It was a weakness, and all weaknesses are to be picked on by other children.

I couldn't hang with the kids that were cool or normal even, I was put into the weird kid group. A social outcast stuck with kids I knew were morons and unstable. Most of them have grown up to be drunks, drug users or criminals. These were my peers while going through school because I was told by the system that these were the closest allies in the school. F()cking great way to go through school. They wondered why I hated going every day.

I didn't get the chance to get away from this mold until I went to college for the second time. Both time and distance helped me to put some of the memories of youth behind. I still had a difficult time in social situations and I do to this day. I much prefer intimate settings to groups. But I had lots of time to realize I could do well and to just reflect on my life.

My choice of an art minor was very helpful because I excelled at art, and lets be honest, art students had a higher proportion of kids similar to myself than other disciplines and I was able to show myself as a talented person. I wish I had the time and money to have double majored in art and Marketing.

I discovered that I could be desirable while at college as well. I actually had real girlfriends that liked to be with me. In high school not so much.

I'm getting a little off track, but suffice it to say that if I had gotten treatment at an earlier age I strongly believe that My life would have been a much easier and happier experience. I also believe that I would have been much more successful than I have been although I'm not doing that badly.

Then there's my wife and family. How much sh^t have I put them through because of my condition that really wasn't necessary? I screw things up and forget things all the time causing great frustration to my wife. While each incident isn't exactly the end of the world, they accumulate and she has had to start treating me like a child. She can't trust I'm going to follow through on things. Some times I'm better than others, but in general I'm shit when it comes to remembering things.

Oh, and how about a hobby, something I've always wanted but have never been able to have. I have some stable interests, but when you're ADHD you can't ever focus on it without really putting forth some serious effort. And because your so scattered you have about 100 unfinished projects that will suck away your time.

I Alos wonder how far I could have gotten in my career if I had been able to focus my attentions, I know I do a good job, but I don't keep a neat workplace and I tend to need some guidance to keep on track, and like at home I have about a million things that never quite get finished until they reach a crisis or deadline.

I feel like someone owes me a lot. I feel like people had the opprtunity to help me, but failed and I've been the one suffering and losing out in life. Maybe I should be greatful because my life isn't too bad, that I've learned to live with my difficulties and do well which might give me an edge when I begine treatment and can use my skills to be better than some.

Diagnosis

Once I had a good idea that I should be taking some sort of action I had to figure out what action to take. I had seen counselors as a child through school, but didn't exactly have one on speed dial.

My workplace has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) which will pay for a few sessions with a counselor, among other things such as legal help etc...

I was given a few names and phone numbers by the representative on the phone and made a few calls. I settled on Pathways for no specific reason other than they could get me in relatively soon and had some specialty in ADHD issues.

The Therapist I saw was very nice and respectful. She outlined the events and the order in which things would go. The first session would be a lot of question and answer, the second would be a computer test and the third would be going over results and forming an action plan.

During the first session she asked me a few questions to get to know me better and find out why I thought I was ADHD. After that we moved into a more structured set of questions to determine if and how severely I was affected. I didn't find the questions particularly difficult, but they were enlightening. Through the question and answer process I realized how often I am effected by this condition. It really made me think about how my life has been formed by what I've been going through.

The therapist gave me an identical set of questions to take home for my wife to fill out. I guess sometimes they want you to have several people fill out the questionare to get a more complete picture of where you're at. I being a relatively solitary person and not being interested in making my condition public only did one person. From the cues I was picking up on from the therapist I didn't think there was much possibility I wasn't ADHD.

The second appointment started off with reviewing my wife's survey with my own answers from the previous session. They were remarkably close to each other except for a few questions.

After the review she set up a computer with a test of sorts. I had to watch a white box in the middle of the screen. There was a small black box that would appear on either the top or bottom half of the white box. If it appeared on the top half of the white box I was to click a button. That's it, very simple. The test ran for like 20 or 25 minutes.

At the end of the test she took a look at my scores and told me that she would usually go over the results in the third session, but we had some time and could do it today.

Apparently I didn't do very well. As the test went on my error rate increased, and my response time decreased. This was symptomatic of ADHD, and that along with the two surveys showed that I scored as being very ADHD, I was in the top percentage for ADHD scores on both tests leaving little doubt in her mind that I needed help.

The therapist asked what kind of treatment I was interested in, medication, or some sort of skill building and counseling approach. I could tell by her wording that she really thought medication was the way to go and it was what I was seeking when I went to see her. I had some of these skill building exercises in school and they were worthless to me.

My therapist not being a Psychologist could not prescribe drugs so she gave me a recommendation and wished me luck.

Realization Day

I have always been "absent minded" but neve thought of myself as being ADHD. Oh sure from time to time there would be a joke tossed out, but seriously nobody ever said you should go get tested. I never thought I had ADHD.

One day I had upset Clara, I hadn't been listening and had been forgetting things more than usual and in frustration she said what are you ADHD or something? You should go get tested, something is wrong with you.

Well it stuck with me and I took an online test. If you suspect you're ADHD you've probably take it yourself too. Just Google ADHD test and you'll find it on several sites. I scored a 90 and the comment was that I should seek a mental health professional immediately.

Immediatly? Really, I'm just a little forgetful it can't be right, anyone would score high on this test, I'll take another one, yep, scored an 88...Immediately really me? ADHD?? What the hell. I was stunned, I had Clara take the test, she got a 22. I'm a 90, immediatly, WTF? I'm friggin ADHD?

It would explain a lot I guess. But I'm sure the therapist would come back with something less urgent than immediatly right?

Sex, Marriage and Family

Ha, sorry, I'm not going to talk about sex, much.

I'm going to call my wife Clara for simplicity sake.

I met my wife while still in college, I had posted an ad online and she responded. We fell in lvoe quite quickly and were married about two years after we first met. We have been together for 10 years, married for 8.

I think the person (besides myself) that ADHD has affected most is my wife. My ability to pay attention and follow through have been seriously compromised by my ADHD.

Clara is by nature a very organized person and I am on the other end of the spectrum. It has been very hard for her to endure my condition. I am sure at times it must have seemed that I was actually trying to sabotage her efforts to greate an organized home. She has a really hard time living in a state of chaos, which is my normal state.

Clara will ask me to do a few things and I won't get them done because I either forget, or get sidetracked. This disappointments her and makes her feel as though I can't be counted on to follow through on things. To her my "childlike" state has been a drain on her and has driven her to treating me a little like a child at times which she hates and I despise.

I hope that treatment will help me be the person she wants me to be without taking away the parts of me that make me the wonderful guy that I am.

We have not had any children yet and have no plans to have them I can also attribute this to ADHD to some degree. Clara has no interest in the birth process either so that helps, but with a genetic link to ADHD and autism in my famil and hers the odds are stacked against us in terms of having a normal child and the thought of having a high needs kid makes us both feel sick to our stomachs. Beyond the genetics and body issues, I don't feel as though I would be a great parent. The thought of being responsible for a child and my lack of patience give me serious thoughts about how awful my life could be.

What makes this kind of tough is that in other ways I know I'd be an awsome Dad. I'm a fun guy and my kids would have great experiences growing up.

I think it's important to know your limitations and live within them and be happy with what God has given you. I am blessed and if I want to be invloved in the life of a child i have neices and nefews to be with.

Career

I am a marketing professional. I have a degree in Marketing Communications and have worked in the field for the past 10 years.

Marketing I should explain has several different meaning to different people and none is more right than another. I have focused myself on the promotions aspect of marketing. I have done so because it is easiest for me and provides me with the most joy. I do not do analysis or research; I rarely turn in any reports, and I hardly keep a file.

Most of what my job entails is event management, advertising, in house video and photography, and sales tool creation. You will notice that most of what I do has a subjective nature to it and is hard to establish an ROI or benchmark for. I do will because I am allowed to be creative and I am not expected to provide much in the way of hard data. I work for a small division of a large company that needs someone around to fill the gaps that corporate leaves, and I do this well.

It may sound like I'm some kind of slacker, but in reality I do a lot in my job, and more importantly I save the company a bundle of money doing little projects that would otherwise be outsourced to $125 and hour agencies.

My ADHD has had some noticeable affects on my job. My workspace is a mess. It drives my boss nuts to look at it. It drives me nuts to look at it. I keep terrible records and drive the purchasing department nuts.

Recently the ownership of my department went from my boss of 5 years to a new boss, someone who carries much less weight in the company, someone I thought of as almost and equal. I was not considered for the position of Marketing Manager even though I am really the only marketing person in the building. I was given up to the IT department manager who happens to have a marketing degree. I felt very slighted by this turn of events and feel that if I had a more structured lifestyle I would have been considered for the position. I now feel as though there is no way I will ever be promoted beyond my current position/title. I think this is a direct result of my ADHD.

College Part 2

So, after graduating with a two year degree I found out that two year degree's are just about as valuable as well I'd say toilet paper, but under the right circumstances, that has value. My younger brother was switching to a new college that had a program I was interested in and we decided to go together. I was 25 and returning to college as a full time student.

I really sort of found myself while at college. Being away from home was good for me and the college experience helped me a lot personally. I still didn't quite fit in because i was a bit older than most and not the most social person in the world. Having my brother there helped because I learned for watching him interact (he was more social than I) and it helped me get introduced to new people.

I still had the same struggles with schoolwork as I did before. I found it especially hard to concentrate in some of the classes where I felt I already knew the materials because of previous class or life experiences. I struggled through math and statistics as well. But I was a more confident person and handled it better than I did before. I felt a little more like I was on the same level as the instructors that I did in the past and that helped me communicate with them more, which in turn lead to more help and better grades.

I also began dating in college. It was and odd realization that all this time I had thought I was undesirable only to find that dating was actually pretty easy, and I was well liked.

College ended 2 years later with a BS and a 2.85 GPA, not superstar, but something I could be proud of.

College Phase 1

I enjoyed my college experience for the most part. It was where I really began to develop not only self worth, and an identity, but tools for survival with ADHD without even knowing I had it.

I began my college experience while still in High School. To me it was a relief from the drudgery of normal school life. I could escape a number of "required" classes that I would have bombed at and focus my attention on classes that I actually enjoyed.

College for me went in two phases, first the 2 year degree and after a couple years of working, the 4 year degree. In community college I found classes in my chosen field to be relatively easy and enjoyable, although I could have done better. When things got technical, in groups, or working on larger or more detailed projects I would falter.

I had to take a little algebra to meet the minimal requirements. The professor was fantastic and brought some energy to the classroom. I actually got a "C" which was great for me. When I had to take accounting ti was a very different experience. the professor was terrible. There was very little teaching and what there was was poor at best. Most classes consisted of collecting the previous days homework, asking if there were any questions and dismissing class. Classes rarely lasted more than 20 minutes. I found myself with no idea what was going on. I couldn't even form a decent question to ask for help. I dropped the class with the hopes of getting a different professor next quarter. As things turned out I did not get a different professor, he was the only one available. I never attended a day of the classes. I took tests weekly in the testing center and self taught myself from the book. It was really hard and I struggled with this class more than any other class. I nearly gave up completely even though it was one of my last classes before I graduated. I wound up passing with a "D" and I was happy to have it over with.

I also struggled with turning in assignments. My professors were relatively lenient, and I could get away with turning in late assignments with some of them.

group work was one of my biggest fears. I always assumed failure would be the outcome because I thought other people would work much the same that I did. I was an active participant, but I would have a hard time remembering what it was that was expected of me and keeping up in group discussions. I knew that other group members didn't care for my absent mindedness, but at least I wasn't the looser that didn't do anything so I could tag along relatively unnoticed.

This was in fact a pretty lonely time for me. I had cut ties with my childhood friends. Most of them had began using drugs and couldn't be trusted anymore. I didn't have any faith in friendship and hadn't the courage to date. I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I began to develop an introspective creativity that needed an outlet, but had no idea what that should be.

I finished community college with a 2 year degree in Marketing with an emphasis in Management. I had a respectable GPA, and hopes of beginning a career.

A little history - Grade School

I have known for years that something was different about the way that I operated. I always had a difficult time in school, work and home where others seemed to find things easy and even enjoyable I found difficulty, pain and frustration.

Throughout my educational experience ADHD was never mentioned, it was before ADHD was all the rage. I remember my Mom pushing to get me tested by the school system to find out why I was not doing well and the countless hours of testing and counselors who tried to find out what was wrong with me. The tests for the most part showed I was ahead of the game in most areas but lacked motivation.

I was put into an english class for learning disabled kids and had to take some classes in jr. high on how to study. These were mostly to appease my mother and show the school was doing something although it really didn't make sense to me and was a source of frustration and self degredation.

In Highschool I found a progrma where I was allowed to go to work for a few hours in place of classes and that really helped a lot. Later I transitined to a different program offering college classes at the local jr. college where I carried a B average, something I had never done in grade school.

Throughout my school years I had a really hard time with classes involving formulas or rules such as math and english, but I did pretty well in social studies and other elective classes.

I never could never remember the rules or sequence required to get to the right answer. I could look at an equasion and know about what the answer should be just by using common sense, but to follow the formula or remember it was beyond my capabilities. I remember my parents and teachers being very frustrated when it seemed that I was refusing to learn what to them was a simple concept. My 9th grade algebra teacher passed me on effort alone because I cam e to school early every morning for about 2 months for tutoring althogh I still failed the class if you looked at my scores.

As I look back people were trying to help me, but nobody really knew what to do. Here was this bright kid who seemed uninterested and refused to pay attention. They couldn't really consider me learning disabled because I was testing beyond my grade level in most areas, I just was blocked when it came to learing.

It was a really frustrating time for me personally I dealt with depression and didn't like myself very much. I was generally not ver social and the few friends I had were screw-ups who started getting into realy trouble in high-school which lead to a parting of ways and isolation. There were no girlfriends in school, I didn't have the confidence to approach girls and probably put across an air of sadness that wasn't very appealing.

Eventially I graduated and went on to college, we'll talk about that later.

Why I'm writing this Blog

For several obvious reasons I have decided to keep my identity to myself (For simplicity I'll call myself Jerry Miller). But I have decided to share my experiences as a 36 year old male going through the realization and treatment of ADHD in the hopes that what I do here may be of use to others facing the same or similar issues and life events.

I also hope that by putting my thoughts and experiences down it will help me process what is going on and what my feeling are as I proceed through what will likely prove to be a confusing and challenging time of my live.